Changes for Christmas 2007

To Whom it May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective next Christmas, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Enough with the Trick Photos!

More Trick Photos

Trick Photos

Christmas at the Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Yet More Seasonal Cartoons

More Seasonal Cartoons

Seasonal Cartoons

Eighteen Hours to Live

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live.

"That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

Ready for Kids? Here's a Test

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Healthcare Assembly Line

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where d'ya want 'em?"

Check Your Calendar

A businessman gets on an elevator. There’s already a blonde inside. She greets him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiles at her and replies, "S-H-I-T."

She looks puzzled and repeats more slowly, "T-G-I-F."

He again answers, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde is trying to keep it friendly, so she smiles her biggest smile, and says as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiles back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decides to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answers, "And ‘S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

Don't Call Me That Again!

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that anymore. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?

.....You can't kill two birds with one stone!

The Job Offer

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of UCLA what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Actual Classified Ads

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

and...

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A New Suit for her Birthday

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to buy a sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 – the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

"Good Lord!" says the husband. "You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Giving Postage Its Due

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde woman says, "God help us! Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Dr. Seuss, the Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Who? Me?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Marty, a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had
reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly,
he would win $1,000,000. And, as he suspected it would be, the
million-dollar question was no pushover. It was:

"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) The Condor
B) The Robin
C) The Cuckoo
D) The Wren

He was on the spot. He did not know the answer. All that
remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and he hoped against hope that
he would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that he
knew would be home happened to be his girlfriend, a blonde. But he had
no alternative -- he called her and gave her the question and the four
choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy! The
answer is C: The Cuckoo."

Marty had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that his friend had given. And, considering that his friend was a
blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other
hand, that he could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing his fingers and drawing in his breath, Marty said, "C:
The Cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer"

A minute later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely
correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, Marty hosted a party for his family and
friends including the blonde who had helped him win the million dollars.

He said, "Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you. Because of your
knowing the answer to the final question, I am now a millionaire. And
do you want to know something? It was the assurance with which you
answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By
the way , how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on" said the blonde, "Everybody knows that Cuckoos don't
build nests, they live in clocks!"

Blondes on a Bus

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Dogs Are Welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

The Firefighter

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Finding His Balls

Jerry loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Jerry bring along her uncle Fred.

Jerry said, "But Fred is 80 years old and half senile!"

His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."

Jerry finally agreed and took Fred along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Fred, "Do you see it?"

Fred nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"

Jerry excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"

"Hmmm. I forget."

Surgical Debate

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

"The third surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Relations

An elderly couple are sitting together watching television.

During one of THOSE commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied,

"You know, I don't know.
I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them last year!"

The Voice

There's a guy who lives in Illinois. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, "Make your way to the roulette tables."

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, "Put all your money on red 23."

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, "Damn."

It's All in the Eyes

A driver is weaving all over the road until a cop pulls him over.

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" inquired the cop.

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

Appropriate Reaction to Chicken Little

A teacher is reading "Chicken Little" to her first grade class. She reads, "So Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling...’"

The teacher stops and asks the class, "What do you think the farmer said?" One girl raises her hand and says, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING CHICKEN!!!"

The Diagnosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."

"What do I have to do?" she asked.

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Requests for the Landlord

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That's right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "You're Gay."

Get Well Soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Old Goats

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on Bus Tours."

Terrorist School Teacher Arrested

NEW YORK- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

Agriculture Degree from the University of Wisconsin

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from the University of Wisconsin, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from UW, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my hat and I'll go with you!"

The Sixth Sense

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.

Currency Exchange

I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the Currency Exchange window at the local bank. Short line -- just one guy in front of me.

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of Yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Can You Do It While Pregnant?

Rosie, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you something...."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to be embarrassed.I get asked that all the time."

"You do?!" Rosie asked.

"Sure," he says. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Rosie confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Overheard in the Oval Office

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

That Haunting Feeling

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around."

Anger Management

The Pope and Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day and, due to an administrative foulup, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven. On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

"Sorry about the mix up," the pope says.

"No problem!" Clinton replies, always the schmoozer.

"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven," the pontiff says.

"Why is that?" Clinton said, speaking from his experience. "It's not that big a deal. The streets aren't really paved with gold or anything."

"It's not the luxuries that matter to me," the pope replies, "it's the people there. All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

"Oh, sorry, your Holiness," Clinton says, suddenly feeling a bit sheepish. "But you're about a day late."

Brrrr!

A young couple goes up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all of the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them between my legs and I’ll warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Wow, honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She sighs and says, "Gee, honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

A Good Polish Joke

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Polish joke. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, I’m Polish. And see those two big guys over there? They’re Polish. And those two policemen eating lunch? They're Polish, too. Now, wise guy, you still want to tell your joke?"

The guy says, "Heck no, not if I have to tell it five times!"

Future Fireman

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"

Falling Down Drunk

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The bar called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Penguin Car Troubles

A penguin pulls his sputtering car over at a full service station. While he is waiting he gets an ice cream from inside the station. When he comes out of the station he asks the mechanic what the trouble was.

"It looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says.

To which the penguin responds, "Oh, no it’s only ice cream."

Yeah, Why Didn't They?

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"

Trouble Getting Out of Traps

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because everyone present was already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par-four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Would you please give me a hand?"

A Perfect Gentleman

Maribel and Edith, two "senior" widows, get together for their regular weekly tea date.

Maribel is always asked Edith advice. "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date," she says. "I know you went out with him a few times, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."


"Well, I'll tell you the honest truth," Edith answers. "He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Maribel, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me -- two times!"

"Goodness gracious!" Maribel says. "So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

"No, no, no," Edith replies. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Blonde Air Lines

Blonde Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport
they had never been to before.

The blonde pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the
copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one
that short!"

The blonde copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! You're right! That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They
touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the
runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the blonde captain. "That runway was
SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the blonde copilot," and WIDE too!"

Answering Machines Greetings

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

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This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

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Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

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If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

Preventative Measures

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior,
asks,"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell
are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot !"

Making Wishes Come True

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

"I'm sorry, officer," says the driver. "I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick."

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, 'I wish that lousy jerk would've tried that crap with me!'"

Successful Sons

Three men are having a round of golf and discussing their sons' careers. The first man begins to brag that his son is a wealthy CEO and once bought his girlfriend a brand new Ferrari. The second man boasts that his son is also a wealthy CEO and he recently bought a lavish vacation home in the Hamptons for him and his girlfriend.

The third man then admits, ashamedly, that his son is a male stripper at a gay bar. As the other two began to snicker, the third man finishes, "But he's doing well for himself. He only dates wealthy CEO's, like one that bought him a Ferrari, and another who bought him a home in the Hamptons!"

Religion and Poilitcs

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to
give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on
crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there,
honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too,
looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a
cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and
yelled, "Don't touch me--I'm collecting disability!"

The Irishmen & the Genie

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

The Job Test

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night,
she gets naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know
dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want..
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits
patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly
and unsure. "I want to try somethin I have heard about ...numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries..."You want...chicken wit broccori?"

Quotes from Celebrities

These attributions have NOT been verified:


"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Rejected Titles for "Brokeback Mountain"

High Nooner

Jeremiah's Johnson

True, He Grits

How The West Was Hung

The Wild Brunch

He Wore a Yellow Ribbon

The Legend of the Long Ranger

Doc's Holiday With Billy the Kid

Very Raw Hide

Lonesome Doug

The Hoarse Soldiers

Destry Rides Again... and Again and Again and Again

Mccabe and Mr. Miller

A Fistful of Ned

Hi, Plains Drifter!

Quickly Down Under

Bareback Mounting

Bone-Nanza

Don't Mess With Tex' Ass

Home on the Ranger

Oklahomo

Little Bathhouse on the Prairie

and...

Prances With Wolves

Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is 'politics'?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me, in your own words, what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

The Lawsuit

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

It was then that I said, "I'm fine."

One of yours?

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

The Honeymoon

At 83 years of age, Homer married Bambi, a lovely 22-year-old.

Since her new husband is so old, Bambi decides that after their wedding she and Homer should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Bambi prepares herself for bed and shortly after hears the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Homer, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Homer takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Bambi hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Homer. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Bambi consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Homer kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but -- aha you guessed it -- Homer is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Homer gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Homer."

Homer, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Bambi and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Missing Something?

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessss!" the drunk says upon seeing the cop's badge glisten in the streetlights. "Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wazzzz on the end of thisshh key," the man says, holding up his key ring.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's privates hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

"Oh my god! " the drunk screams after he looks down at his fly. "My girlfriend's gone, too!"

Whorehouse Doors

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."


Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.


The moral of this story is:

Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed.

What's it to God?

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving in Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yup," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, so I decided to settle down. I had uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. And now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar - he never did any of that stuff."

Wanna Have a Drink?

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler)
which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back
home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to The Buck Horn
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Buck Horn and have a
drink with me?


A little voice came out of the box:...........


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my %$#@! shoes on."

Globalization

Question: What is the best example of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This message is courtesy of an Englishman, using Bill Gates's technology, on whose computer you're probably reading this, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans...

That, my friends, is Globalization.

Together in Death

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

She remarried and had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

Do I Know You from Somewhere?

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, but do I know you?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. Suddenly he has a revelation. "Wow!" he says. "Are you that stripper from my stag party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with a riding crop?!"

"Uh, no," she replies. "I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."

Voice-Activated Radio

I just got my new Lexus RX300, and returned
to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how
the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated.

"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued....and
On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next
few days, every time I'd say,” Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical
music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome
songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"A$$H0LE$!" I yelled ...

The French National Anthem began to
play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on
guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax ...

I Love this car!

Reach out, Reach out!

Today, a slight departure from the normal drivel here at Recycled Humor. Here is a story that I'm sure will touch you in a special way...


As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important appointment, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

A Blonde at the End of her Rope

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one
blonde woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a
woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished
her speech, all the men applauded.

Take a number

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells,

"ATTENTION ALL"

and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says,

"Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies,

"I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Doilies

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily. "

The little old man was so moved: he had to fight back tears. Only 2 precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him 2 times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey", he said, " that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

Bull

A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the
money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just
eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks
very pleased: "The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and
serviced all my neighbor's cows three times."

"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know,"says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

What a Deal!

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole
gob of these, take'em back to the holler, sell 'em to our friends, and make
a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.
Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they don't know we is from West
Virginia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take 50
of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs
of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from West Virginia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.... "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

New Terrorist Threat

Troops Beware!

A Man Who Listens

To be 6 again ... and have a man who listens

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!

Grandparents

Some children are "back to school" already. A teacher asked her 2nd grade
students to share something of their summer. This title "MY RETARDED
GRANDPARENTS" caught my eye. And No, it was NOT written by one of my precious grandchildren.

"We always like to spend the summers with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do in it is
jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out!
They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every
night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the
doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center
and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all his life to earn his
retardment
and says I should work hard at school so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house"

The Purina Diet

I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit
me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he
laughingly staggered to the door.

Calling In Sick

The new employee doesn�t show up for work on Monday, his first day, calling in sick instead.

He comes in the next day and works the rest of the week. But on the following Monday, he calls in again. "I�m sick," he says. After working the rest of the week, he calls in the next Monday, repeating, "I�m sick."

"What gives?" asks his exasperated boss. "You planning to call in sick every Monday?"

"No, sir," the new employee says. "My sister is in a bad marriage, and every Monday morning before work, I go over to console her. One thing leads to another, and we end up making love all day long." "With your sister?" says the boss. "That�s disgusting!" "The man replies, "I told you I�m sick."

IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Now, there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

The Captains Wardrobe

A ship was sailing the ocean long ago when the lookout called out, "Captain, two pirate ships on the horizon!" The captain remained calm, saying, "Men, bring me my red shirt!" His men brought him his red shirt, and the captain led his men to a brave victory against the odds.

A few days later, the lookout called, "Captain, three pirate ships on the horizon!" Once again, the captain asked for his red shirt, and once again he led them to a courageous victory, although his men were greatly outnumbered. Later that day, one of the captain's men asked him why he always asked for his red shirt. The captain chuckled and said, "Well, that's just so that if I get wounded you won't see my blood, and you'll fight without fear."

A few days later, the lookout called out, "Captain, eighty-seven pirate ships on the horizon!" The captain quickly yelled, "Men, bring me my brown pants!"

New Airport Security

I'm not sure why everybody is complaining about all of the new security measures at airports these days...

English, the Official Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze first plas. If zis mad u smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

25 Ways to Order Pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

Can We Play Through?

Two guys are hitting the links at their local country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it.

The first guy says "Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!" The second one goes, "Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec."

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, "Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?"

So the other guy trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his friend says.

"Same damn thing!" he replies.

People and their Sports

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

and....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf

The Astounding Conclusion:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

 

A Death in the Family

A guy walks into his favorite bar and spots a table with his buddies in the back. He walks towards them and they stand-up to greet their friend. One of them notices that his eyes are red from crying and they ask what's the matter. "My mother in law just died," he replied. "That's terrible," they all say and offer their condolences. Then another guy asks him, "Why is your shirt is all ripped?" The man says, "She put up a hell of a fight."

Care Instructions

Funny Signs

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow out."

 

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

 

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

 

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

 

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

 

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

 

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

 

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

 

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

 

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

 

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

 

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

 

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

 

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

 

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

 

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

 

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

 

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

 

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

 

In a counsellors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

 

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

 

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

 

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

 

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

 

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

 

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

 

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

 

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

 

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

 

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

 

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

 

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

 

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

 

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

 

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

 

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."