Blonde's Year In Review

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said cook 30 minutes per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone.

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Just Doing My Job...

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Small World

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy
responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area
it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And
to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The
first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

She Said, He Said

THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.


COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

MAKING LOVE
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

BUTT
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Different Perspectives

A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up
next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a
barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic
boom when he reached the speed of sound.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.

The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."

The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came
back on and said "What did you think about that?"

The 16 pilot asked, "what the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the
back poured a cup of coffee and took a leak."

Celebrating Christmas

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.


Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"


"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

God is Eveywhere

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day
when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you
exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten
minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still
waiting."

It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the
professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out
cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in
silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine
and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you did that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say
stupid stuff. So He sent me."

Redneck Holiday Decoration

Whut'r Friends Fer?

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T BRIGHT?

Season's Greetings

For Our Democrat Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."


For Our Republican Friends:
Here's wishing all of You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Fish Story

On Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing. I put on my
long johns, dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the
dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck
and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage, rain was pouring down; it was like a
torrential downpour. There was snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.

I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat
back in the garage, quietly undress and slip back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Curses!

An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

How Would YOU Like to be Remembered?

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Health Q & A Session

by Dr. Nuts


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
____________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
____________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
____________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single! one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good
____________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
____________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What
a Ride!"

Retirement Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.


This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Hillary in '08" bumper sticker on it.


I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.


It's important at my age.

Sanity Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to
be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and
ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the
teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would
pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done
on this test.)

Signs of the Times

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite Us To Your Next Blowout

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones -- At Your Cervix

On a plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On a plastic surgeon's office door:
Come in and pick your nose!

At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows.

On an electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a taxidermist's window:
We Really Know Our Stuff

In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.

In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.

and...

At a propane filling station:
Thank Heaven For Little Grills

The Duck Hunter

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Hoosier Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.

"The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

More Insipid Observations

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it's still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Trained Pet Fish

A game warden finds an man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."

"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?"

Prescription Review

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as
he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

CIA Entrance Exam

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Barbie

A father comes out of work a little late, on his way home he remembers it's his daughters birthday and he hadn't bought a gift.

He parks his car in front of a toy store, and asks the sales person.

"How much is the Barbie in the window?" With a condescending voice the sales person replies

Well we have:

"Barbie goes to the Gym" for $19.95,

"Barbie plays Volley Ball" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes shopping" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the Beach" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes dancing" for $19.95,


"Divorced Barbie" for $265.95,...

The surprised man, questions:

"Ah! Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"

The sales person while taking a deep breath responds:

"Sir...The divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of Ken's friend.

The Tic

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."


"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me," he says, as he starts emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones -- every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are!" He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear, sir," the prospect assured him. "I'm a happily married man!"

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a bottle of aspirin?"

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . .



. . .You just happened to catch my eye."

The Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Blonde Trigonometry Exam

How Do You Like Me Now?

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.


"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her. "But within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Some men will never learn.

Ode to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Life Lessons

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you have to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There's a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle as His messenger.

You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

How's It Look Down There?

A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask and still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles up to his elbows and asks again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may cause complications from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and slowly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, takes his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them that I can see, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely:

"ARE ... MY ... TEST ... RESULTS ... BACK?

The Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree,
and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the
pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened
the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could
you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

The Bet

The strong young ironworker at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Gene, the older worker, had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

All the other older men looked on with a mixture of "uh oh" and admiration on their faces, not sure what was up his sleeve. But that didn't faze the braggart.

"You're on, old man," the strapping young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

Gene reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, son. Get in."

Airline cabin announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Turkey Recipe for Thanksgiving

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

STUFFED TURKEY

10-15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste _ Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity
with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end
toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the turkey flies
across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook.

Lut'ran Air

Ya sure, you betcha. Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta. Also serving Visconsin, Nort' Dakota, Sout' Dakota and Iowa, Moontana. Try it, you'll like it!! If you're traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, da no-frills airline.

You're all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. Dere is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1 through 6 bring rolls, 7 through 15 bring a salad, 16 through 23 a hot dish, and 24 through 30 a dessert.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering, and da plane don't land until da budget is met.

Now pay attention to your flight attendant, who'll acquaint ya vit' da safety system aboard dis Lutheran Air 599:

"Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis once. In de event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised. And so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around 2,000 feet. So loss of cabin pressure vould probably indicate da Second Coming or somet'ing of dat nature. And I wouldn't bother vit' dose little masks on da rubber tubes. Yoo're gonna have bigger t'ings to worry about, so just stuff 'em back up into deir little holes. Probably da masks fell out 'cause of turbulence, which, to be honest vit' you, ve're gonna have quite a bit of at 2,000 feet. It'll be sort of like drivin' across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

"In de event of a vater landing, I'd say forget it. Start da Lord's Prayer and just hope ya get to the part about 'forgive us our sins as ve forgive dose who sin against us,' which some people say 'trespass against us,' which ain't right, but what can ya do?

"Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden. Not because dey may interfere vit' the plane's navigational system, which is seat-of-da-pants all da vay. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant ya to use a cell phone, He woulda put your mouth on the side of your head.

"Ve're gonna start lunch right about noon. It's buffet style vith the coffee pot up front. Den ve'll have a hymn sing. Basses and tenors, please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vith you when you go, or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kidding!!

"Okay, right now I'll say Grace ... , "God is Great and God is good,And ve t'ank Him for da food. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, May we land in Duluth or at least pretty close. Amen."

In a tavern in Sandpoint, Idaho...

... a husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 yrs ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh, you old devil that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

No Matter What

The morning after hurricane "Katrina" hit the gulf south, and the floodwaters had risen in most places to 6 feet and above, Mrs. Boudreaux, and her children was sitting on her roof, along with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the Boudreaux house. She watched as it floated far out into the front yard then it suddenly turned and floated back to the house. Strangly, it kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from here house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husband, I told him he gonna cut de grass today come hell or high water."

Friendship (Men vs Women)

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.

A Football Story

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants to do, all he says is just to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"

Anatomy Class

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".

She then sat down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?

"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

"Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Firstly, you have a dirty mind. Secondly, you didn't read your homework. And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"

About the dog...

A young Southern boy goes off to college at Auburn, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach your dog, Ole Blue, how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says,"I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the next semester, the money runs out again.

The boy calls his father am second time.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $1,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him
talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy."

Stupid Questions

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile?

If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license,are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Stupid Answers

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1."Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

Changing Priorities...

As we age, our priorities change ........

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me up," she
purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

The New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.



New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.



New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.



New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.



New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.



New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the shmuck. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, are you a jerk!



New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!



New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.



New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because Watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.



New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.



New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Only in Movies

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). ( Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags ( when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

Carson Classics...

Johnny Carson as "Karnak" One Liners

"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."

Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."

A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.


Johnny.........."Wow, It sure Is cold today"
ED.............."How cold was it"
Johnny.........."I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole"

Rodney Dangerfield: "Johnny, how long have you and Ed McMahon been together?"
Johnny: "I guess it's been about ten years now."
Rodney Dangerfield: "Wow, that is a long time...any children?"
Johnny: "It's not that we haven't TRIED!!!"

Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:
Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!

Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."
Audience: "How cold was it?"
Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own
pockets."

Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."

Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey
puck."

Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade
died today...."

laughs

"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"


Carnac: "Catch-22."
"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."

Carnak: Dippity-do
Ed: Dippity-do
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?

Montana Highway Patrol

Montana Highway Patrolman pulled a car over on I-15 about 40 miles south
of Great Falls.

When the Patrolman asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a Shrine Clown with a specialty as a magician and
juggler and he was on his way to Spokane to do a show that night at the
Shrine Hospital and didn't want to be late.

The Patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.

The driver told the Patrolman that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could,
so the Patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car, a drunk good old boy from Butte, who had spent the day
visiting various establishments on the way to Havre, got out and watched
the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in. The Patrolman observed him doing this and went over
to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the rather "well oiled"
fellow what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there's no
way in hell I can pass that test."

From the Mouths of Babes...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK: Because of the sign..

TEACHER: What sign?

FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

_________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

_______________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it

_______________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

______________________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

______________________________________________



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_____________________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

__________________________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

__________________________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

__________________________________________________



TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

__________________________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

Avoiding the Flu this Season

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise
because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an
hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever
possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your
life as you can.

OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when
you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out
(rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs
can't get you!!!!

See you for Thanksgiving

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son exclaims.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and yells at the old man,

"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
fares.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Polish Sausage

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for Mexican Chorizo, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would Ya?"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a beliver now, but perhaps,could you make the BEAR a beliver?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Poor Dave

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the
club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and
asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for
that woman to know that you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the
Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her
getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts
screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave!"

Dave's funeral is Saturday.

Old & Feeble

Three old ladies, named Nellie, Patsy and Lucille, were sitting on a park bench having a nice conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Nellie immediately had a stroke.

Then Patsy also had a stroke.

But Lucille, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The Tailgater

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail.

She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm very sorry for the mistake," he tells her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A Heartwarming Story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5
year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took and interest in all
this building activity and spent much of the day watching the workers.

Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of a project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. Such valuable lessons she was learning!

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who praised her and suggested they take it to the bank and start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked how
she got her own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly
replied," I worked last week with the crew building the house."

"My goodness gracious," said the Teller, "and will you be working this
coming week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those motherf--kers at BHP ever deliver the
f--king roof sheeting!!!!!!!.."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

Updated Nursery Rhymes

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Pull Over!

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."


"Just how big were those two beers?"

Loyalty

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with emotion.

He responded, "I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

Should've Been in Church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

His and Hers Diary

1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation
wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He
agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault
that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the
way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with
me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to
my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he
was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I
don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

2. HIS DIARY
Today the Steelers lost, but at least I got laid.

Never Drink with this Guy

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking
guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and
asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar,
but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to,
goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,? "That isn't
really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies
around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer,
so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know,
Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."