Life Lessons

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you have to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There's a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle as His messenger.

You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.