Walking Hard

They say that doing some walking can add 5 minutes to your life for every day you do it. This can enable you, at 85 years old, to spend an up to an additional eight months in a nursing home at $11,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 70. Now he's 77 and we don't have any idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, your friends can say, "Well he looks good, doesn't he?"

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ...just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

It's Not My Fault!

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."

What Can I Get You,Sir?

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."

Within seconds, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a mouthy bastard!"

The Vet

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

What Should I Do?

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

Zoological Terms

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

What Sort of Place Is This?

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."

She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"

And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

Satisfaction Guaranteed

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.

"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."

Fun Word Game

Check this out! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.








Keep going!










Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.










Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal.
Say it out loud as you scroll down.










Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.










Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your a$$, and get back to work!

The Conductor

The Conductor A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the
bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.
After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on
the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies
instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds
of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there,
smiling. According to tradition, this is consid- ered a reprieve from
God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets
when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the
offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12
pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket
of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he
is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and
beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his profes- sional
pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him
his secret, "what is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies the man. "I'm just a bad
conductor."

Keep Track of your Balls

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Moonshinin'

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the hell out of our cats ..."

Ol' Jake

Jake is 85, and he gets married to an 18-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."

The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"

Jake says, "I fought 'em."

Animal Cruelty

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is - it's a bastard!"

Funnies...

September Madness?

Make your picks... winner breaks even. Everyone else loses.

A Fairy Tale for Girls

Click Image for Full-Size

Body Cast

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back."

When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"

"I hiccupped."

The Wedding

Have You Ever Seen Anything Like This Before?

While his wife is away, a man decides to take the opportunity to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

A Brief History of Medicine

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Much Appreciated

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration -
that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Bad Analogies

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:



1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.


2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.


3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.


5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.


6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.


8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.



9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.


10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.


12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.


14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.



15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.


16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.


17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.


18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.


19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.


20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.


22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.



23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.


25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.


27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Hidden Sentiments

Actual inscription on a grave marker in Montreal, according to Snopes:

Cease and Desist

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."

"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"

Covering His Bases

A son takes his father to the doctor. The Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. So the Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fooling around with your mother after I'm gone!"

To Repair or Replace

A Scottish soldier walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one.
The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says: "The regiment has voted to replace."

Describing the Pain

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

What Did YOU Do Today?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor , a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

David Beckham - FAIL

Appetite Suppressant

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

The Pope and the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

First Day of School

The male school teacher had injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Data Sheet on Woman

What's the Difference?

What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?

One's composing, the other is decomposing.

Forbidden Fruit

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...
I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Back in the Day

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

The Lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline
to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Adviser advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at
work, at a party?"..............."No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Top Ten Hillary Quotes

10. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary on the release of subpoenaed documents.

9. "Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody's going to believe them.' --Hillary on Bill's infidelities.

8. "If I didn't kick his ass every day, he wouldn't be worth anything." --Hillary on Bill in general.

7. "The great story here for anybody willing to find it, write about it and explain it is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband since the day he announced for president." --Hillary, denying that there was anything truthful about what became "fornigate".

6. "I have to admit that a good deal of what my husband and I have learned (about Islam) has come from my daughter. (As) some of you who are our friends know, she (Chelsea) took a course last year in Islamic history." --Hillary on her knowledge of Islam.

5. "If you want to remain on this detail, get your f--king ass over here and grab those bags." --Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who declined to carry her luggage because he needed to keep his hands free to protect her.

4. "Many of you are well enough off that... the tax cuts may have helped you.... We're saying that for America to get back on track, we're probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good." --Hillary explaining her opposition to Bush's tax cut.

3. "F--k off! It's enough that I have to see you shit-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too. Just do your goddamn job and keep your mouth shut." --Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with "Good morning."

2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres--- being a first-term senator." --Hillary regarding her presidential ambitions.

1. "No. We just can't trust the American people to make those types of choices.... Government has to make those choices for people." --Hillary, on whether Americans should be able to make their own health care decisions.

Premonition?

A man was telling his friend, "My grandfather knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

His friend said, "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

"A judge told him."

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery - You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably for the best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

Custom Tatoo

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Properly Worded

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn.

As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"

The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."

"Can you tell me where your library is at, a$$hole?"

Someting's In The Air...

Been a while since we've had a visit from the farting preacher...

Meet Market

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Gee, That's Terrible News!

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

Just Doing As I'm Told

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Turnabout is Unfair Play

When I was dating my girlfriend, it would irritate me to no end when my older aunts would come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, asking me, "So, when's it your turn?"

I finally go them to stop by doing the same thing back to them... at funerals.

Greener Pastures?

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

Australian Lyrebird

eh, what's in a name?

Excuses, Excuses

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Kiss of Death

I'm guessing the announcer is saying "Yeccch!"

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Edgar Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Edgar Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

The Perfect Shot

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.

Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

Watch Out For That Tree!

A balloon launch for some poor orphans goes a bit badly...

News Slip-ups

Exact Change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.



The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"



"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."



The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.



"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.



"Same," says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."



Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"



"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' Then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'


The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'


The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?


'This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

The Battle Within

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said "My son the battle is between 2 wolves -

"One wolf is evil; it is known thru anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other wolf is good and it is known thru joy, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith".

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?

The old Cherokee simply replied "THE ONE YOU FEED"

How To Annoy Telelmarketers

How To Annoy A Telemarketer

Givin' Him the Business

A Moment of Clarity

The Lord's Work

There were these three guys standing on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, holding a rope that went down into the surf while an injured man, tied to the end, was frantically trying to climb up the rope.

A Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the Lord bless you." and then kept on walking.

One guy looks at the others and says, "Who the heck was that?"

"Oh," said one of the other guys, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."

The first guy looked around and quickly says, "Well he doesn't know jack about shark fishing."

If You Had What I Had...

Kathy entered the upscale shoe store and had the clerk bring her 5 pairs of the fanciest, most expensive dress shoes they had, plus one pair of expensive running shoes.

As the clerk helped her try them on to make sure they fit, she decided that she would wear the running shoes and carry the rest.

The clerk, curious, asked "You are buying the most gorgeous shoes we have to offer, and you want to wear the running shoes?"

She replied, "Well if you had what I had you'd wear them, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic clerk asks, "Bunions?"

"Lousy credit" she replied, and off she ran with the shoes.

A Trip to the Dentist

Nervous about going to the dentist, I first stopped at the bar to have a drink or two to calm my nerves. I arrived at the office and went back to the examination room as directed, and sat.

Then I thought - most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went forwards and backwards. How unusual.

The dentist came in and said to me, "Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet."

Thumbs Up!

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"

Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

How Time Flies

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The damn thing always was slow."

A Couple of Bills

One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and
began talking about their life experiences.

The hundred dollar bill began to brag:

"I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the big hotels, Donald
Trump himself used me at his casino, I've been in the wallets of Fortune 500
board members, I've flown from one end of the country to the other! I've
even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once
when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."

In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever
happened to me, ...but I have been to church a lot!"

New Technology from Microsoft

Freudian Slip

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh." He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. In fact, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You f***ing bitch, you wrecked my life.'"

Why I Didn't Make the Olympic Team

Where to go to drink...

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

Heavy Metal Preacher

Examination

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Hunting Accident

Two Rednecks went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

Army of the Lord

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

The Leprechaun

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Honeymoon / Tenth Anniversary

Honeymoon - You take my breath away.
10th Anniversary - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Honeymoon - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
10th Anniversary - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Honeymoon - Ricky & Lucy.
10th Anniversary - Fred & Ethel.


Honeymoon - Saturday Night Live.
10th Anniversary - Monday Night Football.

Honeymoon - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
10th Anniversary - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done....

Honeymoon - Is that all you are eating?
10th Anniversary - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Honeymoon - Wheel of Fortune.
10th Anniversary - Jeopardy.

Honeymoon - It's like living a dream.
10th Anniversary - It's a nightmare.

Honeymoon - Turbocharged.
10th Anniversary - Needs a jump-start.

Honeymoon - We agree on everything!
10th Anniversary - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Honeymoon - Idol.
10th Anniversary - Idle.

Honeymoon - He's lost without me.
10th Anniversary - Why can't he ask for directions?

Honeymoon - When together, time stands still.
10th Anniversary - This relationship is going nowhere.

Honeymoon - Oysters.
10th Anniversary - Fishsticks.

Honeymoon - I can hardly believe we found each other.
10th Anniversary - How did I end up with someone like you?

Loading the Groceries

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got and itchy pussy...."

The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?


If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Finally, advice for today. Remember, a truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Wedding Plans

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Seeking Advice

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Catholic Shampoo

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

The Newlyweds

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

A Riddle for You

Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's what is it?






A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

Positioning

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "But she is into the dog trick aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

Good Question

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"

Insult of the Day

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

Ashes

Cindy makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Cindy excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Cindy returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Cindy informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Here I Sit, ...

Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Intelligence

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "Hey, how come-a we do alla da work and he gets alla da money?", pointing to the supervisor.

The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."

So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"

The supervisor says "Intelligence".

Guido says "What is this intelligence?"

The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!"

Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence".

Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"

With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

Caught Skinny Dipping

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

All-Natural Enhancement

A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.

To her shock, Dr. Nelson advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several months.

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Nelson?'

"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock...."

Full Circle

When I was in Jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts.


In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big breasts.

Call to the Mortuary

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed - "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

Seems Like Old Times

Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship.

"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate.

"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your turn to buy."

Grammar

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

I Wonder...

Q: What goes

"Click, click ... Is that it?"
"Click, click ... Is that it?"
"Click, click ... Is that it?"

A: A blind man with a Rubik's Cube

The Old Gentleman

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said,
"Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to
ask her what it is!"

Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His
wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for
that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he IS your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Gunshot Wound

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

A man walks into a shoe store...

...and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

Healing the Inflicted

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, Jesus himself walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them.

He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away.

He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, Jesus! Hang on a minute. I'm on workman's comp!'

Name Change

A man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.

Desk Clerk: "Can I help you sir?"

Man: "Yes, I would like to change my name."

Clerk: "What is your current name?"
Man: "Martin A$$hole"

Clerk, laughing: "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?"

Man: "Tim."

Aptitude Test

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

Hiking

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Smith from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Furniture Shopping

An divorced woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Some Jerk

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some Jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Witness Protection

A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money.

But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"No sir, I sure didn't," the man replied -- "But my wife did."

Don't Shoot the Messenger

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Look Who's Talking

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making love in a boat."

He holds up the third picture.

"A man and a woman making love at the beach."

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

Mmmmmmm....

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Embarassing Medical Exams

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS



1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her under-wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.'


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.


9. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

The Raise Request

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

Maid says, "Well Ma'am, The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maid: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "I see."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maid: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maid: "No Ma'am, the gardener did."

She got the raise.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.

"Womb!", Little Johnny says.

"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies come from?" she asks.

"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're humping... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"

Wife Swap

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Odd Prescription

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

Clueless in Seattle

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Mother-In-Law

I used to not get along with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her lower jaw tightly attached to her upper jaw!

This week

I'm out of town this week, so posts will be sporadic at best.

Remember to check out the archives. Keep Laughing!

-- 'slug

Where You From?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

Talking Horse

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Mary Lou' written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary Lou was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

Vat?

Helga was hanging the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, iss hot," she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, "Vy nought?" So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

"Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty."

Demographics of American Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country-if they could find the time-and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated, and who like their news as pictures and/or cartoons.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

Miracle Drug

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

Dee-vorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

The Old Days

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

The Fishing Trip

A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?"

"Sure, honey," his wife answers.

"Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pajamas?"

"Sure, honey," his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"

"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."

Guess Which One

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The mother replies, "I don't like her."

Old Sea Tale

An old pirate captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?"

"I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"

"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber."

"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"

"Seagull droppings," says the Captain.

"Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

Easter Surprise

Last Minute

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

The Bottom Line

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

Cursed Genie

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"

The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"

"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."

"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"

"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"

"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything."

"Granted. Your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish."

The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

Groveling?

Walking into the bar, O'Leary said to Finnegan the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Finnegan, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," O'Leary replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees!"

"Really," said Finnegan, "Well, now, that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, ya wee chicken."

Wise Quacker

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"

Physics Saves Lives

One day our Physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

Second Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"