Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is 'politics'?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me, in your own words, what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

The Lawsuit

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

It was then that I said, "I'm fine."

One of yours?

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

The Honeymoon

At 83 years of age, Homer married Bambi, a lovely 22-year-old.

Since her new husband is so old, Bambi decides that after their wedding she and Homer should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Bambi prepares herself for bed and shortly after hears the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Homer, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Homer takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Bambi hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Homer. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Bambi consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Homer kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but -- aha you guessed it -- Homer is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Homer gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Homer."

Homer, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Bambi and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Missing Something?

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessss!" the drunk says upon seeing the cop's badge glisten in the streetlights. "Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wazzzz on the end of thisshh key," the man says, holding up his key ring.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's privates hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

"Oh my god! " the drunk screams after he looks down at his fly. "My girlfriend's gone, too!"

Whorehouse Doors

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."


Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.


The moral of this story is:

Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed.

What's it to God?

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving in Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yup," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, so I decided to settle down. I had uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. And now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar - he never did any of that stuff."

Wanna Have a Drink?

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler)
which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back
home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to The Buck Horn
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Buck Horn and have a
drink with me?


A little voice came out of the box:...........


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my %$#@! shoes on."

Globalization

Question: What is the best example of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This message is courtesy of an Englishman, using Bill Gates's technology, on whose computer you're probably reading this, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans...

That, my friends, is Globalization.

Together in Death

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

She remarried and had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

Do I Know You from Somewhere?

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, but do I know you?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. Suddenly he has a revelation. "Wow!" he says. "Are you that stripper from my stag party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with a riding crop?!"

"Uh, no," she replies. "I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."

Voice-Activated Radio

I just got my new Lexus RX300, and returned
to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how
the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated.

"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued....and
On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next
few days, every time I'd say,” Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical
music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome
songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"A$$H0LE$!" I yelled ...

The French National Anthem began to
play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on
guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax ...

I Love this car!

Reach out, Reach out!

Today, a slight departure from the normal drivel here at Recycled Humor. Here is a story that I'm sure will touch you in a special way...


As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important appointment, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

A Blonde at the End of her Rope

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one
blonde woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a
woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished
her speech, all the men applauded.

Take a number

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells,

"ATTENTION ALL"

and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says,

"Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies,

"I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Doilies

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily. "

The little old man was so moved: he had to fight back tears. Only 2 precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him 2 times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey", he said, " that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

Bull

A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the
money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just
eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks
very pleased: "The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and
serviced all my neighbor's cows three times."

"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know,"says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

What a Deal!

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole
gob of these, take'em back to the holler, sell 'em to our friends, and make
a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.
Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they don't know we is from West
Virginia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take 50
of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs
of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from West Virginia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.... "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

New Terrorist Threat

Troops Beware!

A Man Who Listens

To be 6 again ... and have a man who listens

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!

Grandparents

Some children are "back to school" already. A teacher asked her 2nd grade
students to share something of their summer. This title "MY RETARDED
GRANDPARENTS" caught my eye. And No, it was NOT written by one of my precious grandchildren.

"We always like to spend the summers with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do in it is
jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out!
They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every
night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the
doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center
and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all his life to earn his
retardment
and says I should work hard at school so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house"

The Purina Diet

I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit
me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he
laughingly staggered to the door.

Calling In Sick

The new employee doesn�t show up for work on Monday, his first day, calling in sick instead.

He comes in the next day and works the rest of the week. But on the following Monday, he calls in again. "I�m sick," he says. After working the rest of the week, he calls in the next Monday, repeating, "I�m sick."

"What gives?" asks his exasperated boss. "You planning to call in sick every Monday?"

"No, sir," the new employee says. "My sister is in a bad marriage, and every Monday morning before work, I go over to console her. One thing leads to another, and we end up making love all day long." "With your sister?" says the boss. "That�s disgusting!" "The man replies, "I told you I�m sick."

IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Now, there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

The Captains Wardrobe

A ship was sailing the ocean long ago when the lookout called out, "Captain, two pirate ships on the horizon!" The captain remained calm, saying, "Men, bring me my red shirt!" His men brought him his red shirt, and the captain led his men to a brave victory against the odds.

A few days later, the lookout called, "Captain, three pirate ships on the horizon!" Once again, the captain asked for his red shirt, and once again he led them to a courageous victory, although his men were greatly outnumbered. Later that day, one of the captain's men asked him why he always asked for his red shirt. The captain chuckled and said, "Well, that's just so that if I get wounded you won't see my blood, and you'll fight without fear."

A few days later, the lookout called out, "Captain, eighty-seven pirate ships on the horizon!" The captain quickly yelled, "Men, bring me my brown pants!"