New Airport Security

I'm not sure why everybody is complaining about all of the new security measures at airports these days...

English, the Official Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze first plas. If zis mad u smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

25 Ways to Order Pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

Can We Play Through?

Two guys are hitting the links at their local country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it.

The first guy says "Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!" The second one goes, "Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec."

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, "Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?"

So the other guy trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his friend says.

"Same damn thing!" he replies.

People and their Sports

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

and....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf

The Astounding Conclusion:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

 

A Death in the Family

A guy walks into his favorite bar and spots a table with his buddies in the back. He walks towards them and they stand-up to greet their friend. One of them notices that his eyes are red from crying and they ask what's the matter. "My mother in law just died," he replied. "That's terrible," they all say and offer their condolences. Then another guy asks him, "Why is your shirt is all ripped?" The man says, "She put up a hell of a fight."

Care Instructions

Funny Signs

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow out."

 

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

 

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

 

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

 

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

 

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

 

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

 

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

 

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

 

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

 

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

 

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

 

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

 

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

 

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

 

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

 

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

 

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

 

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

 

In a counsellors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

 

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

 

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

 

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

 

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

 

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

 

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

 

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

 

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

 

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

 

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

 

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

 

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

 

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

 

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

 

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

 

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

A Tiger in the Sack

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make: I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Well, I've only been with one guy, but it was very, very special."

"Yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods... the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damned hole!"

 

 

The Cat Came Back

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

The Drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessss!" the drunk says upon seeing the cop's badge glisten in the streetlights. "Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.

 

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wazzzz on the end of thisshh key," the man says, holding up his key ring.

"About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's privates hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

"Oh my god! " the drunk screams after he looks down at his fly. "My girlfriend's gone, too!"

What's the difference...

... between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

 

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

 

 

Childhood Diseases

A young couple arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww -- what's wrong with your feet?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "You also had smallcox, didn't you?"

The Nun and the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

The Swearing Nun

A nun schedules a meeting with her Mother Superior. After a few minutes of tense hand-wringing, the nun says, "Mother, I have sinned. I have wrongly used vulgar language."

The Mother Superior calmly replies, "Tell me sister, when did this happen?"

"I was shooting a game of golf. On the 10th hole I hit a terrible drive, which hooked and rolled in a ditch."

"Is that when you cursed, young one?"

"No - then, a gopher scrambled to the bottom of the ditch, grabbed my ball in its teeth and scampered back into the rough!"

"Ah, and that must have been when you cursed, dear one."

"No - while the gopher ran across the rough, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the gopher, soaring into the sky!"

"Surely, THAT was when you cursed, sister!"

"No - the eagle squeezed the gopher, the ball popped out of the gopher's mouth, landed on the green and amazingly rolled to within two feet of the pin on the 10th hole."

The Mother Superior pauses, then says, "Don't tell me - you missed the !@#$%^&* putt!"

Temptation...

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me: Her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in the car.

Dishonorable Discharge

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three
times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine
for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained
what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the
room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay"
said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle
and a bullet came out"

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Priorities

Camelback

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.  He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

 

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

 

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

 

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

 

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

 

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

 

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" But my mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed,

Rich As Hell and Free!

Got A Smoke ?

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and
smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came
upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

The President and the Schoolchildren

President Bush recently went to a primary school in Macon, Georgia,
to talk about the world. After his talk, he asked if the children had
any questions.

One little boy put up his hand, and the president
asked him his name.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
1 ... Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ... Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ... Did you steal votes to win both elections?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess.

When they resumed, the President said "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:
1 ...Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ...Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ...Did you steal votes to win both elections?
4 ...Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 ...What happened to Kenneth?"

Sick nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Comfortable Sandals?

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a
small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican
accent say, "Come in. Come in to my humble shop!" So, the couple walked in.
The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be
interested in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the
claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked
the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican
replied, "Just try dem on, mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of he Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem
on dee wrong feet, mon, you got dem on the dee wrong feet!"

Yet Another Golf Joke

Moses, Jesus and some 'ol geezer are going to play a round of golf. Moses tees off, the ball goes right into the pond. No problem! Moses walks over parts the water and hits the ball again, where it lands about 1 foot from the first hole.

Jesus then tees off and the ball goes flying off to the left, hits a tree, then miraculously bounces to about 6 inches from the hole.

The 'ol geezer steps up, tees off, the ball heads right for the pond, a huge bass jumps up grabs the ball in its mouth, suddenly an eagle swoops down, grabs the bass and flies over the green, the bass drops the ball and it rolls to just about 2 inches from the hole! All of a sudden a worm pops up and knocks the ball in. A hole in one.

Moses looks at Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate it when your DAD plays!"

The Ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-
old baseball players aside and asked,

"Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose
together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call
him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's bad sportsmanship to call your coach
'a dumb asshole' isn't it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."