My Record Collection, Part 4

She's a FAT lass. He's a dead man.

Finally, an album by the blind for the deaf. Their blindness explains the hairstyles and outfits.

They all made albums with titles that call their wife a fat lass. Now you can wear a white shirt with a white tie and white boots without your friends giving you crap.

Praise the Lord or I'll kick you ass! See these bricks? They would not accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior!

Finally, a housecoat-wearing organist that can play as good as a cat walking across the keyboard!

The Importance of an Honest Handicap

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and
wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the
nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked
the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a
bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance
since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.
"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his
handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle;
again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the
left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his
ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he
heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree
above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his
hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're
lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the
businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up
his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge
lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The
businessman's ball came to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had
to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large
crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the
rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you
don't get a shot here."

Awww Nuts!

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered:
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. "

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here, or take them with us?'
Well, I just panicked!"

The Ladder to Success

A piss-drunk man is walking down the road one foggy night,
heading home from the bar, when he sees a ladder standing in the
middle of the road. The ladder extends up into the clouds where
he can't see. He decides to climb the ladder, just to see what is
holding it up.

As he climbs through the first layer of clouds, he comes across
an angel, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. She says to
him,

"We can have the best sex you've ever had, or you can continue up
this ladder to success."

The man looks up the ladder, but it continues up into the clouds
where he can't see. He decides that with success, he could become
rich and famous, and could have as many women as he wants, so he
keeps climbing up the ladder.

Soon, he comes across another angel, even more beautiful than the
last. Once again, this angel says,

"We can have the best sex you ever had, or you can continue up to
success."

The man thinks to himself, "Well, I could have sex, but with
success I would have more money and fame." And so he decides to
continue up the ladder to success.

The man climbs, and climbs, and climbs. Finally, he comes across
the fattest, hairiest, ugliest, smelliest, man he has ever seen.

He says to this man, "Who are you?"

and the man replies,

"Hi, I'm Cess."

The Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000."

MAN: "OK, but if you're spending that much anyway I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing: The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1.9 million."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1.75."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

My Record Collection, Part 3

Producing good records, that is.

Yep. A real cardboard cutout. They're begging you - "Buy this record and catch a glimpse of hell!"

Follow up to the breakout hit "Drink Drink Drink". Brought to you by your good friends at Philip Morris.

No caption required here.

Because I'm A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car,
I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia
has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if
I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up,
one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to
fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is not a
problem.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances
stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice
as much once the repair person gets here and has
to put it back together.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television
remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the
thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what
I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either
sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if
I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes
ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With
the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year
2006, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest......
like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.
_______________________________________

This has been a public service message
for women to better understand men.

Dr. Phil Consults

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said,

"You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom:

"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom:

"Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers,

"Come on Dick, we're leaving."

My Record Collection, Part 2

Joanie Loves Tino.

Umm, never mind.

She must have a GREAT voice.

Featuring the #1 smash hit "Who Made the Delightful Casserole?"

The Organist

The Pastor was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going ask the congregation to come up with money for the repairs of their church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here’s a copy of the service" he said impatiently, "but you’ll have to think of something to play
after I make the announcement about finances."

At the appropriate time during the service, the minister paused and said, ”Brothers & Sisters, we are in great difficulty – the repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need more. Any of you who can pledge $1,000 or more, please stand up!”

At that moment, the substitute played, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

The substitute immediately became the regular organist!

Who's Your Daddy?

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these dim bulbs

Grading the Teacher

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.”

Sarah said, “Cows have spots.

Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.”

Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”

Bobby said, “Urinate.”

Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.”

Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it's 'You're an eight'. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.”

My Record Collection, Part 1

This photo is straight from their FBI file.

And for your birthday, Daddy's having a beer and a smoke. Is there sumpthin wrong, darlin'?



And for only 50 cents! Watch out Beyonce!


Yikes. Devastatin' is not the word that comes to mind.

Living Right and Dying Old

They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2 decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter: "How much is all this was going to cost?"

"Why, nothing," Peter replied; "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day, any time of day that you want."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."



The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you
can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is
disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Muslim cleric, a bronze Politician, or anything French."

La Plume?

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her
pocket for her pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

No Joke Today.

Too busy washing clothes, doing dishes, cooking for the kids.

Happy Mother's Day.

More stale humor tomorrow.

'slug

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi STAR


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Navajo Elder Wisdom

William was driving home in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo
man walking on the side of the road. He stopped the car and asked the man
if he would like a ride? With a silent nod, the elder man got in the car.

William tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man looked intently at everything he saw, studying every little
detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to William. "What's
in the bag?" asked the old man.

"It's a bottle of wine I got for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

The Blonde and the Cell Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided
to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to
her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and
simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her
phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the
other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Help! 911!

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911.

"My friend is dead! What can I do?" he says.

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says,

"Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

New FEMA Reconstruction Standards for New Orleans

Nag, Nag, Nag

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP???".

Retirement Investing

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock in 1999, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

A Trip to Churchill Downs

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.


The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."


"No, ma'am," he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today.....!

Donald Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

Condoleeeeeeeza

All of the evidence is not in, but it appears that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has admitted in a recent press conference that she slept with former President Bill Clinton.

I will post details when they become available; all I have for now is this photo.

The City Boy and the Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,

"What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Nice Doggie!

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Star Jones.

That evening, the man introduced Ms. Jones to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again..

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Star, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A Crack !.............In My Windshield !

I'm driving along the Interstate, 65 miles an hour (the speed limit),minding my own business, when out of nowhere... BAM! I see a big crack in my windshield!