Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her. "But within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
Some men will never learn.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Ode to the Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Life Lessons
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There's a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle as His messenger.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
If you have to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There's a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle as His messenger.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
How's It Look Down There?
A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask and still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."
He struggles up to his elbows and asks again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may cause complications from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and slowly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, takes his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them that I can see, sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely:
"ARE ... MY ... TEST ... RESULTS ... BACK?
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."
He struggles up to his elbows and asks again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may cause complications from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and slowly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, takes his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them that I can see, sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely:
"ARE ... MY ... TEST ... RESULTS ... BACK?
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree,
and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the
pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened
the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could
you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree,
and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the
pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag
was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened
the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could
you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Friday, November 25, 2005
The Bet
The strong young ironworker at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Gene, the older worker, had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
All the other older men looked on with a mixture of "uh oh" and admiration on their faces, not sure what was up his sleeve. But that didn't faze the braggart.
"You're on, old man," the strapping young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
Gene reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, son. Get in."
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
All the other older men looked on with a mixture of "uh oh" and admiration on their faces, not sure what was up his sleeve. But that didn't faze the braggart.
"You're on, old man," the strapping young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
Gene reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, son. Get in."
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Airline cabin announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Turkey Recipe for Thanksgiving
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
STUFFED TURKEY
10-15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste _ Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity
with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end
toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the turkey flies
across the room, it is done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook.
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
STUFFED TURKEY
10-15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste _ Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity
with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end
toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the turkey flies
across the room, it is done.
And, you thought I couldn't cook.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Lut'ran Air
Ya sure, you betcha. Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta. Also serving Visconsin, Nort' Dakota, Sout' Dakota and Iowa, Moontana. Try it, you'll like it!! If you're traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, da no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. Dere is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1 through 6 bring rolls, 7 through 15 bring a salad, 16 through 23 a hot dish, and 24 through 30 a dessert.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering, and da plane don't land until da budget is met.
Now pay attention to your flight attendant, who'll acquaint ya vit' da safety system aboard dis Lutheran Air 599:
"Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis once. In de event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised. And so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around 2,000 feet. So loss of cabin pressure vould probably indicate da Second Coming or somet'ing of dat nature. And I wouldn't bother vit' dose little masks on da rubber tubes. Yoo're gonna have bigger t'ings to worry about, so just stuff 'em back up into deir little holes. Probably da masks fell out 'cause of turbulence, which, to be honest vit' you, ve're gonna have quite a bit of at 2,000 feet. It'll be sort of like drivin' across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
"In de event of a vater landing, I'd say forget it. Start da Lord's Prayer and just hope ya get to the part about 'forgive us our sins as ve forgive dose who sin against us,' which some people say 'trespass against us,' which ain't right, but what can ya do?
"Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden. Not because dey may interfere vit' the plane's navigational system, which is seat-of-da-pants all da vay. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant ya to use a cell phone, He woulda put your mouth on the side of your head.
"Ve're gonna start lunch right about noon. It's buffet style vith the coffee pot up front. Den ve'll have a hymn sing. Basses and tenors, please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vith you when you go, or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kidding!!
"Okay, right now I'll say Grace ... , "God is Great and God is good,And ve t'ank Him for da food. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, May we land in Duluth or at least pretty close. Amen."
You're all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. Dere is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1 through 6 bring rolls, 7 through 15 bring a salad, 16 through 23 a hot dish, and 24 through 30 a dessert.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering, and da plane don't land until da budget is met.
Now pay attention to your flight attendant, who'll acquaint ya vit' da safety system aboard dis Lutheran Air 599:
"Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis once. In de event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised. And so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around 2,000 feet. So loss of cabin pressure vould probably indicate da Second Coming or somet'ing of dat nature. And I wouldn't bother vit' dose little masks on da rubber tubes. Yoo're gonna have bigger t'ings to worry about, so just stuff 'em back up into deir little holes. Probably da masks fell out 'cause of turbulence, which, to be honest vit' you, ve're gonna have quite a bit of at 2,000 feet. It'll be sort of like drivin' across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
"In de event of a vater landing, I'd say forget it. Start da Lord's Prayer and just hope ya get to the part about 'forgive us our sins as ve forgive dose who sin against us,' which some people say 'trespass against us,' which ain't right, but what can ya do?
"Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden. Not because dey may interfere vit' the plane's navigational system, which is seat-of-da-pants all da vay. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant ya to use a cell phone, He woulda put your mouth on the side of your head.
"Ve're gonna start lunch right about noon. It's buffet style vith the coffee pot up front. Den ve'll have a hymn sing. Basses and tenors, please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vith you when you go, or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kidding!!
"Okay, right now I'll say Grace ... , "God is Great and God is good,And ve t'ank Him for da food. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, May we land in Duluth or at least pretty close. Amen."
Monday, November 21, 2005
In a tavern in Sandpoint, Idaho...
... a husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 yrs ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh, you old devil that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh, you old devil that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
Sunday, November 20, 2005
No Matter What
The morning after hurricane "Katrina" hit the gulf south, and the floodwaters had risen in most places to 6 feet and above, Mrs. Boudreaux, and her children was sitting on her roof, along with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the Boudreaux house. She watched as it floated far out into the front yard then it suddenly turned and floated back to the house. Strangly, it kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from here house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husband, I told him he gonna cut de grass today come hell or high water."
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the Boudreaux house. She watched as it floated far out into the front yard then it suddenly turned and floated back to the house. Strangly, it kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from here house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husband, I told him he gonna cut de grass today come hell or high water."
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Friendship (Men vs Women)
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that
she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.
Friday, November 18, 2005
A Football Story
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants to do, all he says is just to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants to do, all he says is just to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Anatomy Class
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".
She then sat down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?
"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
"Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Firstly, you have a dirty mind. Secondly, you didn't read your homework. And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".
She then sat down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?
"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
"Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Firstly, you have a dirty mind. Secondly, you didn't read your homework. And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
About the dog...
A young Southern boy goes off to college at Auburn, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach your dog, Ole Blue, how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says,"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the next semester, the money runs out again.
The boy calls his father am second time.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $1,500, I'll get him in the class. "
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him
talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach your dog, Ole Blue, how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says,"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the next semester, the money runs out again.
The boy calls his father am second time.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $1,500, I'll get him in the class. "
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him
talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Stupid Questions
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile?
If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license,are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile?
If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license,are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Monday, November 14, 2005
Stupid Answers
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Colonoscopies
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1."Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
1."Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Changing Priorities...
As we age, our priorities change ........
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me up," she
purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very
sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me up," she
purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.
Friday, November 11, 2005
The New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the shmuck. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, are you a jerk!
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because Watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the shmuck. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, are you a jerk!
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because Watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Only in Movies
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). ( Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags ( when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). ( Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags ( when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Carson Classics...
Johnny Carson as "Karnak" One Liners
"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."
Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."
A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.
Johnny.........."Wow, It sure Is cold today"
ED.............."How cold was it"
Johnny.........."I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole"
Rodney Dangerfield: "Johnny, how long have you and Ed McMahon been together?"
Johnny: "I guess it's been about ten years now."
Rodney Dangerfield: "Wow, that is a long time...any children?"
Johnny: "It's not that we haven't TRIED!!!"
Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:
Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!
Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."
Audience: "How cold was it?"
Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own
pockets."
Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."
Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey
puck."
Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade
died today...."
laughs
"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"
Carnac: "Catch-22."
"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."
Carnak: Dippity-do
Ed: Dippity-do
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?
"A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou."
Reading the contents of the envelope:
"Name three things that have yeast."
A: The Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock.
Johnny.........."Wow, It sure Is cold today"
ED.............."How cold was it"
Johnny.........."I saw a dog stuck to a telephone pole"
Rodney Dangerfield: "Johnny, how long have you and Ed McMahon been together?"
Johnny: "I guess it's been about ten years now."
Rodney Dangerfield: "Wow, that is a long time...any children?"
Johnny: "It's not that we haven't TRIED!!!"
Name what offence someone should automatically get the death sentence:
Johnny: Whoever told squirrels they were good at crossing the road!
Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."
Audience: "How cold was it?"
Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own
pockets."
Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan."
Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey
puck."
Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade
died today...."
laughs
"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"
Carnac: "Catch-22."
"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."
Carnak: Dippity-do
Ed: Dippity-do
Carnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Montana Highway Patrol
Montana Highway Patrolman pulled a car over on I-15 about 40 miles south
of Great Falls.
When the Patrolman asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a Shrine Clown with a specialty as a magician and
juggler and he was on his way to Spokane to do a show that night at the
Shrine Hospital and didn't want to be late.
The Patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the Patrolman that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could,
so the Patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car, a drunk good old boy from Butte, who had spent the day
visiting various establishments on the way to Havre, got out and watched
the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in. The Patrolman observed him doing this and went over
to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the rather "well oiled"
fellow what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there's no
way in hell I can pass that test."
of Great Falls.
When the Patrolman asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a Shrine Clown with a specialty as a magician and
juggler and he was on his way to Spokane to do a show that night at the
Shrine Hospital and didn't want to be late.
The Patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the Patrolman that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could,
so the Patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car, a drunk good old boy from Butte, who had spent the day
visiting various establishments on the way to Havre, got out and watched
the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the
rear door and got in. The Patrolman observed him doing this and went over
to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the rather "well oiled"
fellow what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there's no
way in hell I can pass that test."
Monday, November 07, 2005
From the Mouths of Babes...
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign..
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign..
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Avoiding the Flu this Season
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise
because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an
hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever
possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your
life as you can.
OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when
you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out
(rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs
can't get you!!!!
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise
because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an
hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever
possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your
life as you can.
OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when
you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out
(rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs
can't get you!!!!
Friday, November 04, 2005
See you for Thanksgiving
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son exclaims.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and yells at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
fares.
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son exclaims.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and yells at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
fares.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Polish Sausage
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for Mexican Chorizo, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would Ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for Mexican Chorizo, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would Ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
The Atheist and the Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a beliver now, but perhaps,could you make the BEAR a beliver?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a beliver now, but perhaps,could you make the BEAR a beliver?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
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