Sex Maniac

Affair - #6

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted,"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Affair - #5

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Affair - #4

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. "I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Affair - #3

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Affair - #2

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Affair - #1

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

Military Wisdom

"Aim towards the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our
friend." - U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General Macarthur
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

-Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

- Unknown Marine Recruit

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at
Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're
on fire."

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky."

-From an old carrier sailor

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the
thing as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan
AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's
about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Conventional Wisdom

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.

Think about this...No one ever says, "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

The Divorce Lawyer

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles Per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he
says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

The husband confidently says, "I want the house." The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've Got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

A Poem

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

So I just turned around and smacked him...

Like his Momma used to do.

Living Will Disclaimer

A Living Will Is Important To Relationships, but be careful how you dictate
it:

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug." My wife got up, unplugged the TV,
went to the refrigerator and threw out all of my beer.

Updated Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body,
do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the
bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Martini

______a Bud Lite

______a Steak

______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control,

______a Bowl of ice cream

______The sports page,

______Chocolate

______Sex

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Prodigal Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "(Sniff, sniff)....Dad....I became a
prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate
for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath), an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

The girl, crying again, "(Sniff, sniff)...a prostitute, Dad! (Sniff,
sniff.)"

"Oh! Be Jesus! -- Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

A Bit 'o Blarney

Typical Irish husband - He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

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Question -
Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer -
So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it."

Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' at that time?"

Finnegin: "Waitin' for me to come home."

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

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Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions--
it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."

" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Sullivan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?

Will You Accept the Charges?

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

It Takes Faith to Cross Over

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay pedestrians!". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done
this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

The Wood Thief

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began
to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Do You Want to Go to Heaven?

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to
heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
against the wall ," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No I don't, Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

It's A Miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She
wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go

out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto
the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead
creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out

"DANG!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

It's Gonna Start...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick,
bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a
beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer,
it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You
waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say
hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh damn, it's started."

What Happens in Vegas...

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

The Psychic

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out
before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy
way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met
the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?"

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and
he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...

"It's pronounced 'quiche'."

The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."


The jeweler asked how would the payment be made and the old man stated
by check.

" I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but just imagine the weekend I had?"

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Shopping List

Week One
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

Week Two
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

Week Three
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y

Week Four
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y

Week Five
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 oz., thinly sliced Medallions of veal Porcini
mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottle good Chardonnay, 1 large bottle Astro-glide

Week Six
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco

Elderly Driver

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the
front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22
miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the
highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car
okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time," the officer asks

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway
119.

The Gay Hired Hand

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a fairly young and attractive woman and determined to keep
the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and
when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man figuring it would
be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday
night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired
hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, drinking a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off
my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly
pulled them down and off.





Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."