Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.
"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Exact Change
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Friday, July 25, 2008
Government Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' Then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' Then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Battle Within
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said "My son the battle is between 2 wolves -
"One wolf is evil; it is known thru anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other wolf is good and it is known thru joy, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith".
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?
The old Cherokee simply replied "THE ONE YOU FEED"
"One wolf is evil; it is known thru anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other wolf is good and it is known thru joy, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith".
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?
The old Cherokee simply replied "THE ONE YOU FEED"
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Lord's Work
There were these three guys standing on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, holding a rope that went down into the surf while an injured man, tied to the end, was frantically trying to climb up the rope.
A Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the Lord bless you." and then kept on walking.
One guy looks at the others and says, "Who the heck was that?"
"Oh," said one of the other guys, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."
The first guy looked around and quickly says, "Well he doesn't know jack about shark fishing."
A Priest walks along, looks over and says, "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the Lord bless you." and then kept on walking.
One guy looks at the others and says, "Who the heck was that?"
"Oh," said one of the other guys, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."
The first guy looked around and quickly says, "Well he doesn't know jack about shark fishing."
Thursday, July 17, 2008
If You Had What I Had...
Kathy entered the upscale shoe store and had the clerk bring her 5 pairs of the fanciest, most expensive dress shoes they had, plus one pair of expensive running shoes.
As the clerk helped her try them on to make sure they fit, she decided that she would wear the running shoes and carry the rest.
The clerk, curious, asked "You are buying the most gorgeous shoes we have to offer, and you want to wear the running shoes?"
She replied, "Well if you had what I had you'd wear them, too."
Leaning over, the sympathetic clerk asks, "Bunions?"
"Lousy credit" she replied, and off she ran with the shoes.
As the clerk helped her try them on to make sure they fit, she decided that she would wear the running shoes and carry the rest.
The clerk, curious, asked "You are buying the most gorgeous shoes we have to offer, and you want to wear the running shoes?"
She replied, "Well if you had what I had you'd wear them, too."
Leaning over, the sympathetic clerk asks, "Bunions?"
"Lousy credit" she replied, and off she ran with the shoes.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
A Trip to the Dentist
Nervous about going to the dentist, I first stopped at the bar to have a drink or two to calm my nerves. I arrived at the office and went back to the examination room as directed, and sat.
Then I thought - most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went forwards and backwards. How unusual.
The dentist came in and said to me, "Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet."
Then I thought - most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went forwards and backwards. How unusual.
The dentist came in and said to me, "Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet."
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thumbs Up!
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
Monday, July 14, 2008
How Time Flies
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The damn thing always was slow."
The husband grunted and replied, "The damn thing always was slow."
Friday, July 11, 2008
A Couple of Bills
One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and
began talking about their life experiences.
The hundred dollar bill began to brag:
"I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the big hotels, Donald
Trump himself used me at his casino, I've been in the wallets of Fortune 500
board members, I've flown from one end of the country to the other! I've
even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once
when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."
In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever
happened to me, ...but I have been to church a lot!"
began talking about their life experiences.
The hundred dollar bill began to brag:
"I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the big hotels, Donald
Trump himself used me at his casino, I've been in the wallets of Fortune 500
board members, I've flown from one end of the country to the other! I've
even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once
when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."
In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever
happened to me, ...but I have been to church a lot!"
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Freudian Slip
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh." He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. In fact, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You f***ing bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. In fact, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You f***ing bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
Where to go to drink...
A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
Sunday, July 06, 2008
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