A man approached a very beautiful young woman in Wal-Mart. "Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the fellow, said, "Certainly, Sir, do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea... but every time I talk to a woman with a chest like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Welcome to Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
A couple of years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia ."
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
A couple of years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia ."
Friday, July 27, 2007
Finishing School
From Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert:
Two Southern ladies, Maribelle and AnneMarie, were sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps. They have the following conversation, best imagined with an upscale Southern drawl:
Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?
AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That’s where I learned to say, “Isn’t that special” instead of “f#!@ you.”
Two Southern ladies, Maribelle and AnneMarie, were sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps. They have the following conversation, best imagined with an upscale Southern drawl:
Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?
AnneMarie: Yes.
Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.
AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.
Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?
AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That’s where I learned to say, “Isn’t that special” instead of “f#!@ you.”
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Not Tonight, Dear...
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a sexy, loose fitting pink dress.
As they walked through the primates exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was pretty funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her rear. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. With his encouragement, she did -- and it looked like the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now," he said, "show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. She was enjoying the attention and did it. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now," he told her, "tell him you have a headache!"
As they walked through the primates exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was pretty funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her rear. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. With his encouragement, she did -- and it looked like the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now," he said, "show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. She was enjoying the attention and did it. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now," he told her, "tell him you have a headache!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Happy Birthday, Dear!
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Friday, July 20, 2007
A Guy Walks Into a Doctor's Office...
A guy walks into a doctor’s office and says, "Doc, I can't stop
singing the ‘Green, Green Grass of Home’."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking
out of his rear.
Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."
The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a strawberry growing out
of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
singing the ‘Green, Green Grass of Home’."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking
out of his rear.
Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."
The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a strawberry growing out
of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Monday, July 16, 2007
The Marrying Kind
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
"Well," the Redneck simply replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?"
The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly notice -- pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly tell -- cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a wee bit -- not that you could hardly tell -- pregnant when you met her."
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
"Well," the Redneck simply replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?"
The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly notice -- pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly tell -- cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a wee bit -- not that you could hardly tell -- pregnant when you met her."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Little Speller
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Daddy can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Daddy can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Finkers
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,
"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.
"Lord-it's 2007 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How vas I suppose to pick dem up?
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,
"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.
"Lord-it's 2007 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Grounds for Divorce
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Two for Tuesday
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S.
"What's that?", the patient asks.
"It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes."
"Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S.
"What's that?", the patient asks.
"It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes."
"Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
Monday, July 09, 2007
The Eye Exam
A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there."
He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye."
This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!"
He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfectly!
The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"
He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye."
This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!"
He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfectly!
The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Fountain of Youth?
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Friday, July 06, 2007
Three Observations on Religions
These things appear to be true:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
The Blind Date
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"It was wousy," said the girl.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"It was wousy," said the girl.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Sick in Church
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Bad News and Worse News
A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."
Monday, July 02, 2007
What's Your IQ?
Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"
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