How to Protect Your PC from Viruses

Medicare Health Insurance, Illustrated

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward,please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your
husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!!"

Trip to Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

"Rome?" said the hairdresser. "Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for her hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"Actually, he said, 'Ugh! Where'd you get that terrible hairdo?'"

The Automatic Diagnosis Machine

A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.

The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.

The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."

Don't choke 'round these fellers

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk
about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" he asks. The woman begins to turn
blue and shakes her head no.

The other hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, " Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Definitions - For a Woman's Benefit

Argument (ar*gyu*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*kyu) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

New Drink!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

False Accusation

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Quickies

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

His wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get the heck out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of syphillis in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Buying the Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
"I should get more," the crooker juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them."
"They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother.
"Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."

Sick Day

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my butt coming into work today."

You Can't Win

Irving's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah, one blue, one yellow. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one, the blue one.

As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the yellow sweater I gave you?"

Enterprising Blonde

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handyman-type and starts canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She goes to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," the man says. "How much do you charge?"

The blonde says, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agrees and tells her that the paint and ladders that she might need are in the garage. A short time later, the blonde comes back to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the man says. "Yes," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reaches in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde adds, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Counting Sheep

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."

The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

Engineer's Logic

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Top Ten Recoveries from Being Caught Sleeping at Work

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

4 "Amen"

5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

10 "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

Winning Him Back

It was with much dismay that Janet discovered her husband Henry had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the golden goose; rather, she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't in an effort to win him back.

After a long interrogation Henry finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Janet, you are too cold," he said. "When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."

Is that all? thought Janet. Is that really all there is to it?

That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Henry a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. As he started getting heated up she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans.

"Oh Henry, darling!" she began. "I've had the most terrible day! Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit, and you don't give me enough housekeeping money...."

Testify!

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. And That word is: STERNUM!"

The Honeymoon

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Mom and Dads for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and
Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies,"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies,"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave
him my airplane glue."

New Year's Resolutions

No resolutions yet? Choose one from the pre-approved list below!


1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Speak Up?

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Adam and Eve

There is a statue of Adam and Eve that has been there for hundreds and hundreds of years. One day God comes down and says, "You both have done such a wonderful job all these years that I am going to give you just one hour to be alive and do whatever you want." Adam and Eve come to life and head straight to the nearest bush. They come back an hour later sweaty and tired and turn back into statues.

God comes to them again and says, "I think you both deserve another hour for using your time so wisely" and he makes them alive once again. As they are heading for the same bush, Eve says to Adam, "This time YOU hold the pigeon and I’LL crap on it."