The Bordello Raid

The police precinct captain had been ordered to raid the local bordello,
something which was an embarrassment to him and his men, for they
patronized it themselves on occasion and were friendly with the madam.

The captain therefore rang up the establishment and found that all the
girls, and the madam too, were off on a picnic and that the place was
closed. There was only the cleaning lady to answer the phone.

"Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because it won't be
safe to call again. Tell the madam that tomorrow we've got to stage a
surprise raid on the place. When we come, however, we'll honk the horn,
go round the block, honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn,
then go round the block a third time, and then we'll come dashing in.
But by that time, we want everyone safely out of the place. You
understand?"

The cleaning lady said she did, but of course she didn't, and the madam
never received the message. The next day it was business as usual at the
establishment.

The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their plan, arrived,
honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled, and then charged in.
As they dashed up the stairs with the captain at the head, they collided
with two nude girls who were hastening down the stairs with a mattress
between them.

The captain roared, "What the devil are you two girls doing?"

"Don't blame us," cried one of the girls indignantly. "Some jerk outside
is honking for curb service!"

Sharp Kid!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

! Harry: " 36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal & Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

When God Created Scotland...

In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".

Who's in Charge?

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant
gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat
belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your
trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you
safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear
her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came
by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?"


"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cock pit."

"It's the Box office."

It's Important to Pay Attention!

First year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the "posterior" of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But they eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

The Trucker and the Chicken Ranch

A trucker is driving through Nevada and decides to stop at the Chicken Ranch. He goes into the office and walks up to the madam and gives her $500 and says, "I want the bitchiest whore you have and a bologna sandwich on stale bread."

The madam says, "For $500 you can have Mary over there, the sweetest girl in the place, and I'll cook you the best steak dinner you’ve ever had."

"Thanks but no," says the truck driver. "I'm homesick, not horny."

A Letter to My Senator

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.


I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Tom

Goodnight and Goodbye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

Red and Blue Ribbons

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

That night a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as
usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him.

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties
it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

Her husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees
a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the
red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers,
"I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took
first and second place!"

The Preacher's Son

An old, country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the
should consider choosing a profession. Like many young men, then
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do -- and he didn't
seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of
whiskey.

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the
door, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see
which of these three objects he picks up."

"If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what
a blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
would be OK too, I guess."

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good
drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps
as he came into his room. He deposited his books on the bed, and as he
turned around to leave, spotted the objects on the table.

He walked over and inspected them He then picked up the Bible and placed
it under his arm, put the silver dollar in his pocket, and uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a democrat!"

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT - CONGRESSIONAL ACT 2006

WASHINGTON , DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may be."

Life Cycle

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start
out dead and get it out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9
months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa,
room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you
finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

The City Girl and the Cow

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

Secure The Building

The meaning of "secure a building" in different branches of the military:

Navy: Turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army: occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines: assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

Air Force: take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Error Messages I'd Like to See

Spelling Bee Controversy

WASHINGTON DC — During the National Spelling Bee this week in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city.

The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied:

'J...E...R.....USA.....L...E...M.'

An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized for the first time a USA presence in the holy city.

Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.

'It's a clear violation of church and state,' said Muhammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.

Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.

'There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan,' said one bee official, 'unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there.'

It Cost You How Much?

Joe's Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost"?

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000"?

Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it!"?

"Two and a half carats."

Dropping some Washingtons

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, "That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!"

Pope Pun

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

$100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

A Call to Tech Support

"Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"


"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.. a power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

The Two Brothers

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Not So Crazy After All These Years

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Know your state motto

Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska : 11,623,097 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada : Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
An Attorney...
North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee : The Educashun State
Texas : Sm, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont : Yep
Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington : Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington , D.C. : Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming : Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared

Get Around Much?

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World!"