Nothing funny occurred to me today.

Not a damn thing. Sigh.

Gray Grin

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Husband's new book

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will make love the way that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

No Good Deed Goes Unrewarded!

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.


Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids
whatever they wanted.


The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."


Hillary says, "No problem I'll take you there on my special Senator's
airplane."


The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."


Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"


The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset!"


Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you're handicapped."


The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

The Voice

A 60-year-old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a
booming voice from above

"You will live to be 100!"

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard

"You will live to be 100!"

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got
40 more years to live!

So she took out a loan and off she went to the plastic surgeon.
She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,
died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was
supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus
kill me?"

God said: "I didn't recognize you."

Three Thoughts

1- Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them.



2 - Our Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.



3 - Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

Generic Viagra

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Not Just a Good Idea - It's the Law!

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go to the bathroom.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Bad Einstein Pun

Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed and he postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is also a DNA connection.

This is known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

The Pope and the Colonel

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at
Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for
a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the
Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I
can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the
Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you
$50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our
daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The
church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help
us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the
Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel
gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets
desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words
of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million
to the Vatican."

"Let me get back to you." Says the Pope.

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and
he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The
good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the
Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about
the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread
account."

Count Your Blessings

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed
that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti
Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that
they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he
could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti
Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

My Wife Left Me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a
big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I
noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I
looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said,


"Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"


She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back!

Religion Jokes

Fundamentalist joke:

Q: A Buddhist, a Hindu, a Sikh, a Jew, a Mormon and a Catholic all fall out of an airplane without a parachute. Which one hits the ground first?

A: Who cares? They're all going to Hell anyway.


--

Why don't Anglicans play chess well?

They can't tell a bishop from a queen.

--

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

Because people might think they were dancing.

--

One of the Archbishop of Canterbury's assistants runs in breathless and says to him, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I've got Jesus on the phone for you!"

The Archbishop says, "That's wonderful! What could possibly be the bad news?"

"He's calling from Salt Lake City."

Marketing

People often ask me for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is:

You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him
into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party when a well built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.


You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were
offended and he files a lawsuit on your behalf.
That's America.

After the Egg Hunt...

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock.

The Dress

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

The Old Man, the Boy, and the Donkey

An old man, a boy, & a donkey, were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

The Preacher's Children

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

Senior Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior's special" was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because there are no substitutions"

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously.

"YES!!"

"OK, I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

The Cough

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: 'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment and asks
his father for help.

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between Potential and
Reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says; "I'll demonstrate it
for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you have learned.

The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means.

He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on
her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you
learn?"

The kid says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY,
we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living
with a couple of whores."

Baptist Bathroom

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and
her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations.
She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and
modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her
letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode."
Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on
the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own
"B.C.?" When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't
figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the
campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a
Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred
to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply:

Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove
of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of
going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat
350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday
of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of
it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest
passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband
there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the
old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not
been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she
last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As
we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold
weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with
you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.

Expecting Something?

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Could you please give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him a condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from
me!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness... "

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I did not know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

The Salesman

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he told him "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell ?"

The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him
how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6
days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

The Blonde and the Thermos

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the
clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

The Blonde's Eye Exam

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

How Old Do I Look To You?

A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at McDonalds for lunch.

Before leaving he says, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies,

"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.

If I put my hand down your pants and play with your willie a few minutes I'll be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

A few minutes later the old lady says,

"OK, I'm done. You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says,

"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you in McDonalds."

The Snooty Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Sunday School Stories

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah
the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built
the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the
altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four
barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord
would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know!
I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted.

"My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch
the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, here is a higher
power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the
Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

I Have a Dream...

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond
necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she
couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and
gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...

"The Meaning of Dreams"