Cheney's Got a Gun

Late Night Comedians shots at the Vice President:


"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney." --"Late Night" host David Letterman

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton." --"Tonight Show" host Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt .... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart


"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right." --"Late Late Show" host Craig Ferguson

"We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --"Jimmy Kimmel Live" host Jimmy Kimmel

"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent." --Jay Leno

"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep." --Craig Ferguson

"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

The Dragon Slayer

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed Horatio the Physician away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.

The Train, the Soldier and the Poodle

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.

He said, “Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?”

The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please sit here?”

The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”

At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

Gender Translation Guide

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Decoding Women's Personal Ads

40-ish............................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic..........................No breasts.

Average looking................... Moooo.

Beautiful.........................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure................On medication.

Feminist..........................Fat.

Free spirit.......................Junkie.

Friendship first..................Former slut.

New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.....................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..........................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional......................Bitch.

Voluptuous........................Very Fat.

Large frame.......................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate....................Stalker.

That's Showin' Her!

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!"

Nordakota

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you
non Scandhoovians out there).

He drives to the Nordakota farm and looks over the cow. Ole
reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls.. the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the
cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat,
pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after
some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and
take her home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven,
and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens"

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks
at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah dats right. but, how did you know?

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

Updated Workplace Vocabulary

1. BLAME STORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SIT COMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPE OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OH NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously breaking wind while passing through a Cube Farm.

Olie and Sven

Olaf and Sven fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he
had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back
into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million
bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks...flying overhead, raining a virtual duck poop storm down on them.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.

"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that DA genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?

White Man

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S.
government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his
wars and his technological advances. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over
a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man
found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no
debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the
work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day
hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that."

Oyster Bait

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

News Flash

Bush Fails To Prevent East Coast Blizzard
Minorities Hit Hardest

Dateline: Washington DC - 02/12/06

As President Bush and his staff cowered in the White House, the snow
continued to pile up on the many poor and African Amercian victims who could
not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida. Crucial supplies of
blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn and dark rum - so essential to surviving the
stress of any major snowstorm - lay in stores undelivered.

"Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shoveled so I can get out to
buy my damn lottery tickets!" said one D.C. resident from his living room.
"Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?"
Progressive blogs blasted the President for his inaction. "We find the
timing terribly suspicious - just as the Domestic Spying hearings kick
into high gear, what happens? A major northeast Blizzard. Why now?" wrote
blogger FUAmericaNBush2.

Hearings into the Blizzards' effect on hearings are almost a certainty.
Howard Dean has suggested he will call for an investigation once his new
medications kick in and John Kerry took a break from the sporting activities
of the glamorous super-rich in some exotic locale (random choice: Ice
Sailing in Finland) to call for new legislation outlawing snowstorms. "The
Republican Congress has dropped the ball once again. I have always been a
staunch supporter of anti-snow legislation, except for certain locations
where I ski. Snow has no business on our roads and the President and
Congress knows that."

Calls for impeachment over "SnowGate" as some are calling it already are
mounting as deeply as the snow itself, and what will be discovered
underneath will prove to have a truly chilling effect on the Republicans, as
the inevitable thaw proceeds.

Or something like that.

More breaking news......
Al Sharpton wants an investigation as to why snow is ALWAYS white.

Dick Cheney has stock in Tru-Value Hardware.
Do you have any idea how many SNOW SHOVELS they sold today to the
unsuspecting consumer?

I demand to know why FEMA has been so late in reacting to this storm. THEY
KNEW IT WAS COMING! And yet they failed to have crews in place to fix the
electricity as soon as it went off. It just shows that Bush and the
Republicans just don't care about the people in the N.E. The Senate needs to
investigate this with administration people under oath.

I'll bet that the great junior senator from N.Y. has opened the doors of her
home to all of the heatless poor of her neighborhood and is busy baking
cookies for them while her husband applies body heat to the nearly frozen
teen-aged girls.

Return on Investment

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane, energy-efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been
completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. I proceeded to tell him just what his fast
talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year, the
windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and
have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

Another Jab at Hillary

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

What happened to you, asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.

My God, what did you tell them? asked Hillary.

The driver replied: I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow The rest happened just like lightning!

The Blind and the Blondes

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

What were they smoking when they elected this guy?

Actual quotes from Marion Barry, former (thank God) mayor of Washington DC:


"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."


"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? Would it!?!"

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

and...

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

Silent?

An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway
through the service the woman leans over to her husband and says,
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

The Lottery

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get the coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming Ferrari, "How
could you afford that car?" her husband asks.

You guessed it: her share of the lotto winnings.

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she
gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds there is barely
enough water in the bath to cover the plug.


"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "WE DON'T WANT TO GET YOUR LOTTO TICKET WET, DO WE?"

Four-lettered Words

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So
how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home, PLEASE
MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your
husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT Four
letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust,
wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Where's My Wife?

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

Three old mischievous grandmas...

...were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old
fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?"

The old grandmas, snickered and laughed.
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday."

The Godfather and the Deaf Accountant

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says:

Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back:

"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

What's your IQ?

A popular Des Moines Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is really cool."

Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

Later on, a third guy came in to the barber shop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about Hillary running for president?"

Could've rode the bus

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus..

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

This used to be an OJ Joke...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

About a gallon!!!!

NFL Cutbacks

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

Medical Insurance Explained

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eye.

=======================================================================

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want ?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.
The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

=======================================================================

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

=======================================================================

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

=======================================================================

Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

=======================================================================

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

=======================================================================

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

=======================================================================

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in the office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

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Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.