Take Dr. Phil's Advice...

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace.

He said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I started and had not finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off the bottles of Merlot, Chardonnay, Bailey's and Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FREAKING GOOD I FEEL!

Intelligent Design?

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Say Again?

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Division of Labor

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Woman's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Need a Lifeline?

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we are in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

Bill and Hillary

Bill walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

Hillary is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

Bill says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Costello Buys a Computer

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sit ting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. ! What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

50 Dollars is 50 Dollars

Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year. Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed --- and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers. But not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris.

He said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

Blind Taste Test

One day, a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what this is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@..
kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch helps you sleep, and is not where you crashed that night..

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

17. Dinner and a Movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets,
rather than settles, your stomach

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a restaurant.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you
forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it & do the same.

6 Days in the Can

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

What Could've Been...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming e! asily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... "I would have gotten out today."

Job Application Gaffes

***Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.

***Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

***Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.

***Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

***Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

***Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Quotes from Sports Figures

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach,
I don't know and I don't care."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Just Approved by the FDA

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

"I Need a Push"

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

Husband and Wife Hunting

There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, "I'm go'in hunting."

She says, "Oh no you' re not, we are married now."

The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go hunting." So, he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together.

They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer."

She replies, "OK." So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife.

He looks up in the deer stand and does not see her, so he looks around and sees his wife poised and waiting to shoot this poor man who is scared out of his mind. The hunter says, "Honey, what are you doing?"

The man says, "Look mister, if she says it is her deer then it is, just let me take my saddle off of it first."

Gender of Inanimate Objects

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed muchover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

Just Kidding, Dear!

What does PMS stand for?

1.Pass My Shotgun

2.Psychotic Mood Shift

3.Perpetual Munching Spree

4.Puffy Mid-Section

5.People Make me Sick

6.Provide Me with Sweets

7.Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9.Pass My Sweatpants

10.Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.Plainly; Men Suck

12.Pack My Stuff

13.Potential Murder Suspect


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry. What was your question?

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come

along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!



Now Men - Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Grandpas know everything?

Be very careful that you know the question before you give the answer.

Little Tony was staying with his grand parents for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked, "Grandpa, what is that called when
people are sleeping on top of each other?"

He was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, sonny."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said
angrily, "Grandpa, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"

Last Request

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Thanks for the Help

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If
you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday
for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

Virtues of the Homeless

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Wives Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.... my wife came home with no
panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her can that said.....From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

Fetch!

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and
quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks
around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy, "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my butt! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key."

History Repeats Itself

Year: 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please
warn the Pope!!

Old Age Sucks

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, " Hardly worth going home is it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But... thank God, I still have my
driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered." Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think
your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied
the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her
rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!" the rabbi
exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."

Drinks - 10 cents

Three retired gents, two from California and one from Arizona, are
walking down a street in the historic part of Old Phoenix.

They turn a corner and see a sign that says.....

"The Old Timer's Bar ... ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other in disbelief ... and then enter the bar.
The bartender says, in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and
let me pour one for you guys. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 3 men each asked for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 3 iced martinis and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. Each guy pays his 10 cents.
they finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, three excellent martinis are produced with the bartender
again saying, "That's 30 cents, please." They pay the 30 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand.

They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. One of the men asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for only a dime each?"

"Well, here's my story, I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I
always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $525 million dollars
and I decided to open this place. It's just a hobby for me. Every drink
costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The three of them sipped at their martinis but couldn't help but notice
three other guys who had been sitting at the other end of the bar, who
didn't have a drink in front of them .. and they hadn't ordered anything.

One man gestures toward the three guys at the end of the bar and
asks the bartender, "What's with those guys?"


"They're farmers from Wisconsin... They're waiting for Happy Hour."

Self Enhancement

A woman says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her
breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do
that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your rear."