Blonde's Year In Review

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said cook 30 minutes per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone.

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Just Doing My Job...

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Small World

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy
responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area
it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And
to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The
first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

She Said, He Said

THINGY
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.


COMMITMENT
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

MAKING LOVE
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

ENTERTAINMENT
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

BUTT
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Different Perspectives

A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up
next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a
barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic
boom when he reached the speed of sound.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.

The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."

The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came
back on and said "What did you think about that?"

The 16 pilot asked, "what the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the
back poured a cup of coffee and took a leak."

Celebrating Christmas

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.


Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"


"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

God is Eveywhere

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day
when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you
exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten
minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still
waiting."

It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the
professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out
cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in
silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine
and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you did that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say
stupid stuff. So He sent me."

Redneck Holiday Decoration

Whut'r Friends Fer?

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T BRIGHT?

Season's Greetings

For Our Democrat Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."


For Our Republican Friends:
Here's wishing all of You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Fish Story

On Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing. I put on my
long johns, dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the
dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck
and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage, rain was pouring down; it was like a
torrential downpour. There was snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.

I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat
back in the garage, quietly undress and slip back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

Curses!

An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

How Would YOU Like to be Remembered?

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Health Q & A Session

by Dr. Nuts


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
____________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
____________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
____________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single! one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good
____________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
____________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What
a Ride!"

Retirement Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.


This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Hillary in '08" bumper sticker on it.


I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.


It's important at my age.

Sanity Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to
be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and
ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the
teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would
pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done
on this test.)

Signs of the Times

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite Us To Your Next Blowout

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones -- At Your Cervix

On a plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On a plastic surgeon's office door:
Come in and pick your nose!

At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows.

On an electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a taxidermist's window:
We Really Know Our Stuff

In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.

In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.

and...

At a propane filling station:
Thank Heaven For Little Grills

The Duck Hunter

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Hoosier Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.

"The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

More Insipid Observations

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it's still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Trained Pet Fish

A game warden finds an man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."

"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?"

Prescription Review

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as
he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..................................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

CIA Entrance Exam

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Barbie

A father comes out of work a little late, on his way home he remembers it's his daughters birthday and he hadn't bought a gift.

He parks his car in front of a toy store, and asks the sales person.

"How much is the Barbie in the window?" With a condescending voice the sales person replies

Well we have:

"Barbie goes to the Gym" for $19.95,

"Barbie plays Volley Ball" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes shopping" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes to the Beach" for $19.95,

"Barbie goes dancing" for $19.95,


"Divorced Barbie" for $265.95,...

The surprised man, questions:

"Ah! Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"

The sales person while taking a deep breath responds:

"Sir...The divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of Ken's friend.

The Tic

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."


"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me," he says, as he starts emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones -- every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are!" He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear, sir," the prospect assured him. "I'm a happily married man!"

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a bottle of aspirin?"

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . .



. . .You just happened to catch my eye."

The Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Blonde Trigonometry Exam