Poor Dave

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the
club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and
asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for
that woman to know that you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the
Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi
Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her
getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts
screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave!"

Dave's funeral is Saturday.

Old & Feeble

Three old ladies, named Nellie, Patsy and Lucille, were sitting on a park bench having a nice conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Nellie immediately had a stroke.

Then Patsy also had a stroke.

But Lucille, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,

"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The Tailgater

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail.

She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm very sorry for the mistake," he tells her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A Heartwarming Story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5
year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took and interest in all
this building activity and spent much of the day watching the workers.

Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of a project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. Such valuable lessons she was learning!

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who praised her and suggested they take it to the bank and start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked how
she got her own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly
replied," I worked last week with the crew building the house."

"My goodness gracious," said the Teller, "and will you be working this
coming week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those motherf--kers at BHP ever deliver the
f--king roof sheeting!!!!!!!.."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

Updated Nursery Rhymes

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Pull Over!

WHO SAYS THAT COPS DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."


"Just how big were those two beers?"

Loyalty

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with emotion.

He responded, "I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

Should've Been in Church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

His and Hers Diary

1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation
wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He
agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault
that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the
way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with
me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to
my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he
was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I
don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

2. HIS DIARY
Today the Steelers lost, but at least I got laid.

Never Drink with this Guy

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking
guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and
asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar,
but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to,
goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,? "That isn't
really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies
around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer,
so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know,
Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Marriage Insights

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-Rodney Dangerfield.


"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
-Robin Williams.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people
remembering the same thing."
-Duane Dewel.


"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one
that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
-Helen Rowland


"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to
instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment."
-Alan Bennett


"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
in Europe."
-Jackie Mason


"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the
hope of pulling out an eel."
-Leonardo Di Vinci.


"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like
and give her a house."
-Lewis Grizzard.


"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to
whom it may concern."
-Mickey Rooney.


"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
-Rodney Dangerfield.


"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
-Johnny Carson

Relevant Skills

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her
newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes
hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
ever more firmly!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing
the boy,

The woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in
the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," she says, "Divorce attorney."

Thoughts for the Day

13. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

1. And the number one thought for the day:

You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

The Marine and the Insurgent

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.

As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both look cover.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Lunch Room Monitor

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. "

Do the Research

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Quickies

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Trill-seekin' in Minnesota

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.



At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Larrs appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting. . . and now Larson hengliding....."

Unattended Children

What the Hell?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Little Johnny Strikes Again...

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

WIFE: What would you do if I died?
Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not -- don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would?
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: Damn.

Condolences

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was
buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay
their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California
Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave
site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and
lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was
kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was
still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The Car Shopping Joke

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a
new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through
traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look," she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th. Due to the
condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

He Said, She Said

He said . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . You wear pants don't you?


He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room ..
"My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . .. . " I do not"


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.



Q.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.



Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.



Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

How Ya Doin', Grandma!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when
she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart!"


Happy Birthday, Sweetie!

Here Comes the Groom

New Scam Alert

Please forward this warning to everyone you know.

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men
who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit.

What happens is that when the intended victim stops
for a red light, a completely nude and good looking,
nicely tanned, unbelievably well-enhanced young woman
comes up. With boobs bouncing, and body stretched to
its full potential, she pretends to wash your
windshield. While she is doing this, another person
opens the back door of your car, taking anything you
have in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me two times Friday and five times Saturday -
I couldn't find them on Sunday

Must be Psychic

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly!"