Observations from Steven Wright...

... for the most part, anyway -- Editor.


I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."