If You Could Talk to the Animals...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

Just Take It!

A man went to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offered, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

Pythagoras Groaned

There were three pregnant Indian squaws laying on animal hides about to give birth.

The first squaw, who was laying on a buffalo hide, gave birth to a 6 lb., 5 oz. baby boy.

The second, who was laying on a deer hide, gave birth to a 5 lb., 5 oz. baby boy.

The third, who was laying on a hippopotamus hide, gave birth to twin boys totalling 11 lb., 10 oz.

Therefore, we can conclude that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Texas Baby

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks ... like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" ...We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised!"

I Need an ENT Doctor Like This...

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,


"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Pitching a tent

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn.


He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and was in
agony.


The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.


The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"


The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Plummus

Out of Office Auto-Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will
be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'

Sounds like a lot

George Bush is sitting in the Oval office eating and reading the paper.

Cheney notices him, notices how unusual it is for him to be reading the
paper, and sees that he is reading the headlines, one in particular. It
reads "12 Brazilian students killed."

George looks really sad and looks over to Dick and asks "How many is a
brazilian?"

Smart Cat

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist.....and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everybody agreed that was pretty smart.

But, the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.......Everyone agreed that was good.

But, the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called is cat and said....." Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walk to the fridge took out a quart of milk.. got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, " What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said...." Coffeebreak...do your stuff."
Coffeebreak jumped to his feet.....ate the cookies..........drank the milk......shit on the paper......screwed the other three cats......claimed he injured his back while doing so.....filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...put in for Workers Compensation.....and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....

Why World Peace is Tough

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American
sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes
off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat
said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat
in it. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went
to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the American's
other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."

At Bookstores Now - "Golf My Way"

I have just finished my new book on golf that I believe gives the reader
valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through 40
years of experience. The cost is only $29.95. Cash only
please............. The following is the chapter listing to give you an
overview. Don't wait until they're all gone!!

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from
the Tee

Chapter 3 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 4 - Seven Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9am

Chapter 5 - How to Rationalize an Eight-Hour Round

Chapter 6 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7 - When to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 8 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 9 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 10 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.



Chapter 11 - Rational Reasons To Explain Why You Coughed When Your Opponent Teed Off

Chapter 12 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl
and Give Her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff
the Bartender

A Memorial to Those in the Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex
standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a
large plaque. It was covered with names with small
American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque
for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood
beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused
on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well,son, it's a memorial to all the
young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the
large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and
trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the
8 o'clock or the 10 o'clock?"

News Flash

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Worn down by doping scandals an exhausted Lance Armstrong said on Thursday he had decided against a return to competitive cycling.

Angry over recent doping allegations that have appeared in the French sports daily L'Equipe, the seven-times Tour de France winner said recently he might return to racing, the accusations out of France having awoken his competitive side.

Armstrong is being questioned by French authorities after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, soap, and deodorant; all of which have been banned in France for over 75 years.

Responding to reporters, Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, said, "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be okay in France."

According to reports, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and discovered several other items that have been rare in France for many years, including a backbone and a testicle.

Time Gets Better With Age

I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
Age 5

I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7

I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean
it up again.
Age 12

I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents
are strict with me.
Age 15

I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24

I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26

I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29

I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how
to show it.
Age 42

I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little
note.
Age 44

I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her
need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does
go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49

I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50

I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these
three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full
of pills.
Age 52

I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss
them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58

I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work
to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both
hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus
on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and
doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65

I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the
right decision.
Age 66

I learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82

I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

Letter Dear Abby Admitted She Was at a Loss to Answer

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These
two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

**********************

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On
my VCR?

**********************

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

**********************

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy
friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

**********************

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

**********************

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in
a good Christian home turn against his own?

**********************

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

**********************

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

**********************

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

**********************

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

**********************

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

A Trip to the Doctor's Office

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

The Longevity Joke

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living!

Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,

"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

The Picture on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love, the man notices a photo of
another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me before the surgery."

Viking Lore

A Minnesota Viking family of football supporters head out one
Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports
shop the son picks up a PACKER jersey and says to his older sister,
"I've decided to become a PACKER fan and I would like this for
Christmas".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round
the head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the PACKER jersey in hand and finds
his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a PACKER fan and I would like this jersey
for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the PACKER jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a PACKER fan and I would like this jersey
for Christmas".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head
and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope
you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a PACKER fan
for an hour and I already hate you Viking Bastards."

Football Explained

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! .......... "

"I'm like ... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

News Flash for 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine

Observations from Steven Wright...

... for the most part, anyway -- Editor.


I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Golf

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 a.m., on the
first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine,
visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the
club house loud speaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee
back up to the men's tee please!!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was
still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once
more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO
THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back...

"WOULD THE A$$H0LE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET
AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!"

"We Share Everything"

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything".

What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,



"THE TEETH"

The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Slow Down!

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by the
traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast
that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So
one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to
do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of
my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that
said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make
them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up
my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He
was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to
stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from
Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put
up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got
to go. I'm very busy."

He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff
drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw
the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:



"NUDIST COLONY"

"Go slow and watch out for the chicks"