Some of Rodney's Best, Part 2

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
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She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
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She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
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She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
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She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
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She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
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My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".
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Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.
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I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
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My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
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"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
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I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
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When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"
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Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I have three kids, one of each.
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I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
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What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
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My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
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Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
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I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
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My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
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My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock