Some of Rodney's Best, Part 1

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens .
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
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What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
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I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide".
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
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My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
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I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
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One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
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She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
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She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
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She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.
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She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load"
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
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She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)
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