The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Lamaze
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the
necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier."
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember; you're in
this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the
necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier."
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember; you're in
this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Monday, August 29, 2005
Cowboy Wisdom
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks , bankers , and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Keep skunks , bankers , and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Playboy for Married Guys
Playboy magazine has just announced that it is coming out with a version of its popular men's magazine specifically targeted at married guys only...
It has the same playmate every month.
It has the same playmate every month.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
Women Drivers!
This morning on the 405 Freeway, I looked over to my left and there
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 82 MPH with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was half way
over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers !
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 82 MPH with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was half way
over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers !
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Gotta Walk the Walk
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light
by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof - blasting the horn – screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"Then, I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light
by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof - blasting the horn – screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"Then, I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Thule
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers
that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a
message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to
take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to
the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar,
which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is
less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes
about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so
as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son,
your attitude and performance have caused this flight to be late and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded
but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son;
I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule,
Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are
beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the
morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here
is to pump sh1t out of aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did
you have in mind?"
Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers
that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a
message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to
take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to
the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar,
which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is
less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes
about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so
as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son,
your attitude and performance have caused this flight to be late and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded
but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son;
I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule,
Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are
beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the
morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here
is to pump sh1t out of aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did
you have in mind?"
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bill says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bill. After a few seconds, Bill hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bill the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch!"
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bill says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bill. After a few seconds, Bill hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bill the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch!"
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Second Chance
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Rest Area Ahead
Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. They'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner on 450 restrooms.
Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner on 450 restrooms.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Dis-Order in the Court
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts," and are things people actually said in court, word for word. They are taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
You know you're living in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a businesslike manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Some of Rodney's Best, Part 2
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have three kids, one of each.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have three kids, one of each.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock
Monday, August 15, 2005
Some of Rodney's Best, Part 1
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
------------------------------------------------------
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Unhealthy Foods
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-
term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will,
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-
term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will,
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Wal-Mart's Wine
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item. Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is
important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfandel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is
important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfandel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
Friday, August 12, 2005
Workplace Maxims
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
And the #1 thing you will never hear...
1. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
And the #1 thing you will never hear...
1. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Bumpkin Portrait Artist
Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Bubba if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said that money was no object - she was willing to pay $20,000!
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Betty Jo, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Okay, I'll paint ya nekkid. But I'll have ta leave my socks on, so's I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes."
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Bubba if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said that money was no object - she was willing to pay $20,000!
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Betty Jo, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Okay, I'll paint ya nekkid. But I'll have ta leave my socks on, so's I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes."
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Larry's Bar
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me exactly where is Larry's bar?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Monday, August 08, 2005
The Half Wit
A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years,
the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and
board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month
plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here
about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of
bourbon every week to keep him going," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years,
the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and
board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month
plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here
about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of
bourbon every week to keep him going," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Epitaphs
FOUND ON HEADSTONES IN THE STATE OF MISSISSIPPI
Harry Edsel Smith of Sandersville, Mississippi:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
******************************
In a Soso, Mississippi cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
In a Laurel, Miss. cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1867
****************************
In a Cracker's Neck, Mississippi cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In an Errata Mississippi cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In an Ellisville Mississippi cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake
******************************
In a Sharon, Mississippi cemetery:
Here lays Conn Welborn.
We planted him raw.
Quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
*****************************
A lawyer's epitaph in Laurel, Mississippi:
John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in Jones County, Mississippi, cemetery:
Reader, if cash you are
In need of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
You'll find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hawkes, Mississippi:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
**************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in 6-deep Cemetery, North Jones County, Mississippi
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Moselle, Mississippi
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jon Earl Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
*****************************
In a cemetery in Tucker's Crossing, Mississippi:
Remember now, as you pass by,
Like you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.
To which someone replied by scribbling on the tombstone:
To follow you I won't consent
Till I know which way you went
******************************
In the Moore Family cemetery, Shady Grove Mississippi;
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
1944
Harry Edsel Smith of Sandersville, Mississippi:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
******************************
In a Soso, Mississippi cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
In a Laurel, Miss. cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1867
****************************
In a Cracker's Neck, Mississippi cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In an Errata Mississippi cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In an Ellisville Mississippi cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake
******************************
In a Sharon, Mississippi cemetery:
Here lays Conn Welborn.
We planted him raw.
Quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
*****************************
A lawyer's epitaph in Laurel, Mississippi:
John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in Jones County, Mississippi, cemetery:
Reader, if cash you are
In need of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
You'll find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hawkes, Mississippi:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
**************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in 6-deep Cemetery, North Jones County, Mississippi
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Moselle, Mississippi
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jon Earl Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
*****************************
In a cemetery in Tucker's Crossing, Mississippi:
Remember now, as you pass by,
Like you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.
To which someone replied by scribbling on the tombstone:
To follow you I won't consent
Till I know which way you went
******************************
In the Moore Family cemetery, Shady Grove Mississippi;
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
1944
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Huh!
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even
butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River."
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even
butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River."
Friday, August 05, 2005
Next !
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly
gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You
let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry."
Dejected, he turned and walked away.
The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the
husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you
allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named
Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both
conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us
in either."
gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You
let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry."
Dejected, he turned and walked away.
The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the
husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you
allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named
Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both
conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us
in either."
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The Wedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Married Life
Editor's note - These are in honor of my wedding anniversary today. Happy anniversary, Darlin'! :)
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Will I Live To Be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"
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