"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-Rodney Dangerfield.
"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
-Robin Williams.
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people
remembering the same thing."
-Duane Dewel.
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one
that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
-Helen Rowland
"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to
instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment."
-Alan Bennett
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
in Europe."
-Jackie Mason
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the
hope of pulling out an eel."
-Leonardo Di Vinci.
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like
and give her a house."
-Lewis Grizzard.
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to
whom it may concern."
-Mickey Rooney.
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
-Rodney Dangerfield.
"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
-Johnny Carson
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Relevant Skills
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her
newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes
hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing
the boy,
The woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in
the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," she says, "Divorce attorney."
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her
newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes
hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing
the boy,
The woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in
the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," she says, "Divorce attorney."
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Thoughts for the Day
13. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
12. Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
1. And the number one thought for the day:
You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
12. Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
1. And the number one thought for the day:
You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
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