A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Bread.............?
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under theshade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Can You Spell That?
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Monday, January 28, 2008
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Friday, January 25, 2008
You Suck at Photoshop, pt 3
Volume 3. Thanks for getting your Photoshop education from Recycled Humor.
Warning: A bit of naughty language. Poor Donnie.
Warning: A bit of naughty language. Poor Donnie.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
What's the Difference...
...between a Porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Green Team
I thought this would be appropriate for RECYCLED Humor...
Contains harsh language mature content.
Contains harsh language mature content.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Da Bears..............
A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about
purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there
weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the
play-offs.
The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office
and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets. The ticket teller
politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the
Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office
inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale
because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket
teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud
voice says, I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY
TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.
The man replied, 'I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay just to
hear you say that !'
purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there
weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the
play-offs.
The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office
and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets. The ticket teller
politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the
Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office
inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale
because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.
Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket
teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud
voice says, I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY
TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.
The man replied, 'I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay just to
hear you say that !'
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Efficiency
I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years.
She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Honey,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
It did save time.
It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
You Are Here
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?"
The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr - gerrrrrr - Kiiiing."
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?"
The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr - gerrrrrr - Kiiiing."
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Who's Fooling Around with Who?
She: I think my husband may be fooling around on me.
He: Really? I think my wife may be too!
She: Well, who cares? C'mere, Lover!
(Just as they are about to get busy, the phone rings.)
She: Hello. Yeah, that's fine. Bye.
He: Who was that?
She: It was my husband. He claimed he was at your house and wanted to stay a while and play cards! Let's get to it, Lover!
(The phone rings again.)
She: Hello. Oh, I think it will be a while. Bye.
He: And who was THAT?
She: It was your wife! She wanted to know about how long you and my
husband would be here playing cards!
He: Really? I think my wife may be too!
She: Well, who cares? C'mere, Lover!
(Just as they are about to get busy, the phone rings.)
She: Hello. Yeah, that's fine. Bye.
He: Who was that?
She: It was my husband. He claimed he was at your house and wanted to stay a while and play cards! Let's get to it, Lover!
(The phone rings again.)
She: Hello. Oh, I think it will be a while. Bye.
He: And who was THAT?
She: It was your wife! She wanted to know about how long you and my
husband would be here playing cards!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Skilled Labor
Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a Kentucky clothing factory. When both were laid off, they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said 'Panty Stitcher' - I sew elastic into ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up 'Panty Stitcher' and it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.
She asked Rufus his occupation, and he said, 'Diesel Fitter,' which was listed as a skilled job. She put him down for $600 a week.
When Billy Bob found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money.
The clerk explained, 'Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers.'
'What skill?' yelled Billy Bob.
'I sew the elastic on the panties, and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says, 'Diesel fitter!'
When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said 'Panty Stitcher' - I sew elastic into ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up 'Panty Stitcher' and it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.
She asked Rufus his occupation, and he said, 'Diesel Fitter,' which was listed as a skilled job. She put him down for $600 a week.
When Billy Bob found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money.
The clerk explained, 'Panty Stitchers are unskilled laborers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled laborers.'
'What skill?' yelled Billy Bob.
'I sew the elastic on the panties, and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says, 'Diesel fitter!'
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Closet Door
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here?"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here?"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Public Service Announcement
Warning -
This is a very REAL and very IMPORTANT public service announcement that should be passed along to each of your loved ones. It is important they be aware of this danger.
This is a very REAL and very IMPORTANT public service announcement that should be passed along to each of your loved ones. It is important they be aware of this danger.
Never,
Never
Never
Never
Ever...
Never
Never
Never
Ever...
..fart in a wet suit!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Sleeping Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar (though no tags) and well-fed belly and clean that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.
My dogs didn't seem to mind him. He seemed like a good dog and I was OK with him, so I let him nap. An hour later he ambled to the door and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour.
This continued for days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don't mind but want to be sure it's OK with you."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar.
"He lives in a home with six children -- all boys. I'm sure he's just trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.
My dogs didn't seem to mind him. He seemed like a good dog and I was OK with him, so I let him nap. An hour later he ambled to the door and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour.
This continued for days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don't mind but want to be sure it's OK with you."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar.
"He lives in a home with six children -- all boys. I'm sure he's just trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Feeding the Hungry
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Monday, January 07, 2008
Moods of Women and Men
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Pull Over
A man is driving home on New Year's Eve, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
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