Military Yuks

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

__________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
_____

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
_____

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the it shuts down.

Unflappable Granny

Pain Killer

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. The dentist pulls out a local anesthetic needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto while I extract your tooth."

Jury Duty Excuse

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Sure, but I don't want them to know it.

The Dream

Osama Bin Laden calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.

Osama replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."

Bush says, "You know, Osama, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Osama asks.

Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Not Me!

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:

"I think I might be gay..."

Guns Don't Kill People...

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician... 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.

How Ya' Be Doin', Matey?

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Where Am I?

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks over to a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears.

"Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I....."

The farmer says, "Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you'll have to sleep with my two sons...."

The salesman says, "Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!"

The Wish

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my member a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee, his penis was showing below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole, it was dragging along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

When he finally got back to the clubhouse the pro was there to meet him -- he had obviously seen this before.

"How do I fix it?!" the golfer asked.

"According to legend," the pro told him, "you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again."

So after purchasing five buckets of balls, the bowlegged golfer made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole in one.

He ran down to the hold and again the leprechaun jumped out to offer him any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make my legs a bit longer?"

Seat Hog

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

Take a Message?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Heheheh hehehe hehe hehehe

Ride into Town?

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

Wild Night

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day, walking funny, Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend, asking for some liniment.

In disbelief, his friend asked that after such a night, if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his member. Charlie replied "No,I need it for my arms - the women never showed up!"

Oy Vay! part deux...

A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."



A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."



Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.



Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."



Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.



Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.



Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Oy Vay!

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.


There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.



Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.



Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."



Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Ham

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all -- have you ever tasted ham?"

"Well," the rabbi laughed, "sure I''ve tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die -- could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?"

The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman."

The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Beats the hell out of ham, don't it?"

A Tough Call

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Frank?" the others asked.

"He had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Frank laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Frank!"