Once there were three engineering graduates from UCLA; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide.
The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repositioned to pick up another pole.
This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Bruins each replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
16 Things it took me over 50 years to learn
Originally attributed to Dave Barry, now hacked up for your convenience by multiple e-mail forwardings:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Friday, February 23, 2007
The Photographer
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements w
ere made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Bumper Stickers
1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
3) I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
4) Keep honking while I reload.
5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
8) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
9) Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
10) If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13) My wife complains I never listen to her...or something like that.
14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!
15) If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
3) I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
4) Keep honking while I reload.
5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
8) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
9) Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
10) If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13) My wife complains I never listen to her...or something like that.
14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!
15) If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Last Words
A man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Things To Do on an Elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
Friday, February 16, 2007
The Three Ministers
Drinks were served at the ecumenical mixer, and there was a choice between wine or grape juice. The Anglican and the Methodist both took a glasses of wine, but the Pentecostal said, "I'd rather commit adultery than pollute myself with alcohol!"
The Methodist quickly placed his wine back on the tray. "I didn't realize there was a third choice," he said.
The Methodist quickly placed his wine back on the tray. "I didn't realize there was a third choice," he said.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Good Advice
Dear Crabby,
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to get my husband for Valentine's Day. I don't have a huge budget. Any suggestions?
-- Wondering in Tacoma
Dear Wondering,
Give him nothing. And make sure you're wearing it when he comes home.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to get my husband for Valentine's Day. I don't have a huge budget. Any suggestions?
-- Wondering in Tacoma
Dear Wondering,
Give him nothing. And make sure you're wearing it when he comes home.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
1967 vs. 2007
1967: Long Hair
2007: Longing for hair
1967: The perfect high.
2007: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1967: Keg.
2007: EKG.
1967: Acid Rock.
2007: Acid Reflux.
1967: Moving to California because it's cool.
2007: Moving to California because it's warm.
1967: Growing pot.
2007: Growing pot belly.
1967: Douglas Street bridge.
2007: Dental bridge.
1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1967: Seeds and stems.
2007: Roughage.
1967: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2007: Popping joints.
1967: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2007: Our president's struggle with reality.
1967: Paar.
2007: AARP.
1967: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2007: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1967: Killer weed.
2007: Weed killer.
1967: Hoping for a BMW.
2007: Hoping for a BM.
1967: The Grateful Dead.
2007: Dr. Kevorkian.
1967: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2007: Getting a new hip joint.
1967: Rolling Stones.
2007: Kidney stones.
1967: Being called into the principal's office.
2007: Calling the principal's office.
1967: Screw the system!
2007: Upgrade the system.
1967: Peace sign.
2007: Mercedes logo.
1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1967: Take acid.
2007: Take antacid.
1967: Passing the driver's test.
2007: Passing the vision test.
1967: "Whatever"
2007: "Depends"
2007: Longing for hair
1967: The perfect high.
2007: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1967: Keg.
2007: EKG.
1967: Acid Rock.
2007: Acid Reflux.
1967: Moving to California because it's cool.
2007: Moving to California because it's warm.
1967: Growing pot.
2007: Growing pot belly.
1967: Douglas Street bridge.
2007: Dental bridge.
1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1967: Seeds and stems.
2007: Roughage.
1967: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2007: Popping joints.
1967: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2007: Our president's struggle with reality.
1967: Paar.
2007: AARP.
1967: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2007: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1967: Killer weed.
2007: Weed killer.
1967: Hoping for a BMW.
2007: Hoping for a BM.
1967: The Grateful Dead.
2007: Dr. Kevorkian.
1967: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2007: Getting a new hip joint.
1967: Rolling Stones.
2007: Kidney stones.
1967: Being called into the principal's office.
2007: Calling the principal's office.
1967: Screw the system!
2007: Upgrade the system.
1967: Peace sign.
2007: Mercedes logo.
1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1967: Take acid.
2007: Take antacid.
1967: Passing the driver's test.
2007: Passing the vision test.
1967: "Whatever"
2007: "Depends"
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Truthful Resume
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
* School: Very Expensive
* Major: Not Important
* GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
* Solitaire
* Minesweeper
* Rebooting
HONORS AND AWARDS
* First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
* Said Toast at brother's wedding
* High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
* School: Very Expensive
* Major: Not Important
* GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
* Solitaire
* Minesweeper
* Rebooting
HONORS AND AWARDS
* First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
* Said Toast at brother's wedding
* High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Haven't Had a Stupid Question List in a While...
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Friday, February 09, 2007
Democrat Tax Plan Explained
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:
5,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due. The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.
This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:
People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit."
Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."
People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help.
Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.
Now do you understand?
5,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due. The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.
This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:
People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit."
Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."
People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help.
Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.
Now do you understand?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Best Country Songs Ever
It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And...
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And...
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Retire ease
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the Couch.
Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the Couch.
Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The Nun and the Fortune Telling Scale
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself,
"I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs,and you are going to Chicago."
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, "This is incredible, I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind."
Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life."
But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself,
"I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs,and you are going to Chicago."
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, "This is incredible, I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind."
Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life."
But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
Monday, February 05, 2007
A Lot to Learn
A father often read Bible stories to his young children.
One day he read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was tuned to salt.”
His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
One day he read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was tuned to salt.”
His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
Friday, February 02, 2007
Thursday, February 01, 2007
The Mental Patients
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"
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