A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could
you connect me to the person who gives information
about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient
is getting better, doing as expected, or getting
worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the
patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel
in room 302."
"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Mrs.
Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had
two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to
be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of
hours and, if she continues this improvement,
Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at
noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantas-
tic... that's wonderful!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it
you are a close family member or a very close
friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here
tells me anything."
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Help Me!
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had
open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find
himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He
replied, in a raspy
voice,"No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He
replied, "No money in
the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who
could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is
a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find
himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He
replied, in a raspy
voice,"No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He
replied, "No money in
the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who
could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is
a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
Friday, July 29, 2005
Attention Patriots
Subject: Terrorist Roust
Mark your calendars for next saturday. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So this Saturday at 4 p.m. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all american women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
Mark your calendars for next saturday. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So this Saturday at 4 p.m. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all american women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
A Tribute to Bob Hope
(May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003)
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS"They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS"They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
True Believers
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that
crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your
will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my
left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never
held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held
against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son.
Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your
will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my
left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never
held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held
against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son.
Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
How does your garden GROW?
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the
drawer.
"What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when
he shook them out.
"Honey," he yelled into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
drawer.
"What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when
he shook them out.
"Honey," he yelled into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Run!
This bumper sticker is selling like hot cakes in New York:
Everyone else puts them on the front.............
"Run Hillary Run"Democrats put them on the back bumper..........
Everyone else puts them on the front.............
Monday, July 25, 2005
Children's letters to God
These are letters written to God by children:
Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother
but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce
Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother
but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce
Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
God,
I read the bible.
What does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison
Dear God,
how did you know you were God?
Who told you?
Charlene
Dear God,
is it true my father
won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita
Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it.
Nancy
Dear God,
I like the story about Noah
the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn
Dear God,
my Grandpa says you were around
when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
Dear God,
do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan
Dear God,
did you mean for giraffes
to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
in bible times,
did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
Dear God,
how come you did all those miracles
in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy
Dear God,
please send Dennis Clark
to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel
would not kill each other so much
if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring,
but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark
Dear God,
my brother told me about
how you are born
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do you say?
Marsha
Dear God,
if you watch in Church on Sunday
I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara
Dear God,
is Reverend Coe a friend of yours,
or do you just know him through the business?
Donny
Dear God,
I do not think anybody
could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know that.
I am not just saying that because
you are already God.
Charles
Dear God,
it is great the way you always
get the stars " in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff
Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Lost Grandpa
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
Washy Washy
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes
his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done,
the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,"Sure, I'm a good dentist,
how did youfigure that out?"
"I didn't feel a thing!"
decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes
his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done,
the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,"Sure, I'm a good dentist,
how did youfigure that out?"
"I didn't feel a thing!"
MMMmmmmmmMMM!
Lady golfer - Read first, and then look at the picture
This happened in a ladies US LPGA tournament recently After winning her
debut tournament she was asked to hold the trophy up and give the trophy a
kiss just for the cameras.
Apparently after doing this most of the photographers could not stop
laughing after realizing exactly how it looked.
The tournament organizers have since redesigned the trophy.
This happened in a ladies US LPGA tournament recently After winning her
debut tournament she was asked to hold the trophy up and give the trophy a
kiss just for the cameras.
Apparently after doing this most of the photographers could not stop
laughing after realizing exactly how it looked.
The tournament organizers have since redesigned the trophy.
NEW HOLIDAY FOR MEN
NEW HOLIDAY FOR MEN
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your
wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.
Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so
your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No
cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday
explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of
Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as
men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more
memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little
push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and
peace to this crazy world.
The Evolution in Teaching Math
SCHOOL CHANGES
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Well, because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s ~
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producción es $80 .
¿Tiene cualquier persona hambre?
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