The Moles

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Don't Mess With a Woman Who Reads

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Sobriety Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer.

'I juggle them in my act.'

'Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.'

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!'

Exercise During Pregnancy

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Bonus Joke!

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?

Because they all have phones.

The Blond Equestrian

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Or Maybe Just a Lucky One

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."

The Most Popular Guy in the World

Ted and Hank walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Ted orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Hank goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Hank! How are you? Hey everybody! Hank's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Hank. After everyone has greeted him, Ted and Hank sit down and begin to eat.

"Hank, you're pretty popular!" says Ted. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Hank.

"Now Hank," says Ted, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Hank replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Ted, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Hank.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Hank! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Ted, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Hank.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Hank my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Ted says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Hank, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Hank instructs Ted to wait outside and Hank will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Hank, when the Pope came out, Hank's arm was wrapped around him. Hank looks down from the balcony and see's Ted passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Ted! Ted! Wake up!" Ted opens his eyes and says,

"Hank. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Ted," says Hank, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Ted. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Hank?"

I Wanna Be An Airborne Ranger

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary."

Fishin' Men o' God

A Lutheran minister, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore.

The minister had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished.

A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat.

Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank.

The minister looked at the priest and said, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"

If it looks like a duck...

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar,
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began
fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a bitch!" she
screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

What the Doctor Ordered...

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband".

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

The Meter Readers

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and
worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Presidential Advice

One night George Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

The Organization

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Opening Day

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly, Bill grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field.

The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, Throw the first PITCH!"

The Blonde and the Milkbath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Doctor's Orders

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:

Doctor: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok.

Doctor: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok.

Doctor: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me
what's wrong with me Doctor?

Doctor: Yes. You do not drink enough water.

Taking Every Precaution

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Becky to Mary Ann.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Mary Ann responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

Everything We Need

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about
sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything
they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the
back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh
miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny
stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has
everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend,
and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all
we needed."

The Judge

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

Die Hard Packers Fan

Recently, I was at a Green Bay Packers game. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when I noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."