That Haunting Feeling

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around."

Anger Management

The Pope and Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day and, due to an administrative foulup, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven. On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

"Sorry about the mix up," the pope says.

"No problem!" Clinton replies, always the schmoozer.

"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven," the pontiff says.

"Why is that?" Clinton said, speaking from his experience. "It's not that big a deal. The streets aren't really paved with gold or anything."

"It's not the luxuries that matter to me," the pope replies, "it's the people there. All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

"Oh, sorry, your Holiness," Clinton says, suddenly feeling a bit sheepish. "But you're about a day late."

Brrrr!

A young couple goes up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all of the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them between my legs and I’ll warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Wow, honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She sighs and says, "Gee, honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

A Good Polish Joke

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Polish joke. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, I’m Polish. And see those two big guys over there? They’re Polish. And those two policemen eating lunch? They're Polish, too. Now, wise guy, you still want to tell your joke?"

The guy says, "Heck no, not if I have to tell it five times!"

Future Fireman

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"

Falling Down Drunk

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The bar called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Penguin Car Troubles

A penguin pulls his sputtering car over at a full service station. While he is waiting he gets an ice cream from inside the station. When he comes out of the station he asks the mechanic what the trouble was.

"It looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says.

To which the penguin responds, "Oh, no it’s only ice cream."

Yeah, Why Didn't They?

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"

Trouble Getting Out of Traps

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because everyone present was already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par-four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Would you please give me a hand?"

A Perfect Gentleman

Maribel and Edith, two "senior" widows, get together for their regular weekly tea date.

Maribel is always asked Edith advice. "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date," she says. "I know you went out with him a few times, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."


"Well, I'll tell you the honest truth," Edith answers. "He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Maribel, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me -- two times!"

"Goodness gracious!" Maribel says. "So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

"No, no, no," Edith replies. "I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Blonde Air Lines

Blonde Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport
they had never been to before.

The blonde pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the
copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one
that short!"

The blonde copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! You're right! That's
incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put
their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over
stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of
control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They
touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the
runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the blonde captain. "That runway was
SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the blonde copilot," and WIDE too!"

Answering Machines Greetings

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

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This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

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Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

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If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

Preventative Measures

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior,
asks,"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell
are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot !"

Making Wishes Come True

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

"I'm sorry, officer," says the driver. "I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick."

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, 'I wish that lousy jerk would've tried that crap with me!'"

Successful Sons

Three men are having a round of golf and discussing their sons' careers. The first man begins to brag that his son is a wealthy CEO and once bought his girlfriend a brand new Ferrari. The second man boasts that his son is also a wealthy CEO and he recently bought a lavish vacation home in the Hamptons for him and his girlfriend.

The third man then admits, ashamedly, that his son is a male stripper at a gay bar. As the other two began to snicker, the third man finishes, "But he's doing well for himself. He only dates wealthy CEO's, like one that bought him a Ferrari, and another who bought him a home in the Hamptons!"

Religion and Poilitcs

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to
give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on
crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there,
honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too,
looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a
cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and
yelled, "Don't touch me--I'm collecting disability!"

The Irishmen & the Genie

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

The Job Test

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night,
she gets naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know
dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want..
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits
patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly
and unsure. "I want to try somethin I have heard about ...numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries..."You want...chicken wit broccori?"

Quotes from Celebrities

These attributions have NOT been verified:


"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Rejected Titles for "Brokeback Mountain"

High Nooner

Jeremiah's Johnson

True, He Grits

How The West Was Hung

The Wild Brunch

He Wore a Yellow Ribbon

The Legend of the Long Ranger

Doc's Holiday With Billy the Kid

Very Raw Hide

Lonesome Doug

The Hoarse Soldiers

Destry Rides Again... and Again and Again and Again

Mccabe and Mr. Miller

A Fistful of Ned

Hi, Plains Drifter!

Quickly Down Under

Bareback Mounting

Bone-Nanza

Don't Mess With Tex' Ass

Home on the Ranger

Oklahomo

Little Bathhouse on the Prairie

and...

Prances With Wolves