Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night,
she gets naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know
dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want..
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits
patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly
and unsure. "I want to try somethin I have heard about ...numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he queries..."You want...chicken wit broccori?"

Quotes from Celebrities

These attributions have NOT been verified:


"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Rejected Titles for "Brokeback Mountain"

High Nooner

Jeremiah's Johnson

True, He Grits

How The West Was Hung

The Wild Brunch

He Wore a Yellow Ribbon

The Legend of the Long Ranger

Doc's Holiday With Billy the Kid

Very Raw Hide

Lonesome Doug

The Hoarse Soldiers

Destry Rides Again... and Again and Again and Again

Mccabe and Mr. Miller

A Fistful of Ned

Hi, Plains Drifter!

Quickly Down Under

Bareback Mounting

Bone-Nanza

Don't Mess With Tex' Ass

Home on the Ranger

Oklahomo

Little Bathhouse on the Prairie

and...

Prances With Wolves