What Can I Get You,Sir?

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."

Within seconds, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a mouthy bastard!"

The Vet

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

What Should I Do?

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

Zoological Terms

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

What Sort of Place Is This?

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."

She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"

And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

Satisfaction Guaranteed

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.

"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."

Fun Word Game

Check this out! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat!

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.








Keep going!










Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.










Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal.
Say it out loud as you scroll down.










Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.










Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your a$$, and get back to work!

The Conductor

The Conductor A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the
bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.
After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on
the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies
instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds
of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there,
smiling. According to tradition, this is consid- ered a reprieve from
God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets
when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the
offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12
pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket
of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he
is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and
beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his profes- sional
pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him
his secret, "what is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies the man. "I'm just a bad
conductor."

Keep Track of your Balls

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Moonshinin'

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the hell out of our cats ..."

Ol' Jake

Jake is 85, and he gets married to an 18-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."

The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"

Jake says, "I fought 'em."

Animal Cruelty

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is - it's a bastard!"

Funnies...

September Madness?

Make your picks... winner breaks even. Everyone else loses.

A Fairy Tale for Girls

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