What's the Difference?

What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?

One's composing, the other is decomposing.

Forbidden Fruit

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...
I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Back in the Day

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

The Lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline
to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Adviser advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at
work, at a party?"..............."No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Top Ten Hillary Quotes

10. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary on the release of subpoenaed documents.

9. "Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody's going to believe them.' --Hillary on Bill's infidelities.

8. "If I didn't kick his ass every day, he wouldn't be worth anything." --Hillary on Bill in general.

7. "The great story here for anybody willing to find it, write about it and explain it is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband since the day he announced for president." --Hillary, denying that there was anything truthful about what became "fornigate".

6. "I have to admit that a good deal of what my husband and I have learned (about Islam) has come from my daughter. (As) some of you who are our friends know, she (Chelsea) took a course last year in Islamic history." --Hillary on her knowledge of Islam.

5. "If you want to remain on this detail, get your f--king ass over here and grab those bags." --Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who declined to carry her luggage because he needed to keep his hands free to protect her.

4. "Many of you are well enough off that... the tax cuts may have helped you.... We're saying that for America to get back on track, we're probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good." --Hillary explaining her opposition to Bush's tax cut.

3. "F--k off! It's enough that I have to see you shit-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too. Just do your goddamn job and keep your mouth shut." --Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with "Good morning."

2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres--- being a first-term senator." --Hillary regarding her presidential ambitions.

1. "No. We just can't trust the American people to make those types of choices.... Government has to make those choices for people." --Hillary, on whether Americans should be able to make their own health care decisions.

Premonition?

A man was telling his friend, "My grandfather knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

His friend said, "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

"A judge told him."

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery - You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably for the best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

Custom Tatoo

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Properly Worded

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn.

As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"

The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."

"Can you tell me where your library is at, a$$hole?"

Someting's In The Air...

Been a while since we've had a visit from the farting preacher...

Meet Market

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Gee, That's Terrible News!

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

Just Doing As I'm Told

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Turnabout is Unfair Play

When I was dating my girlfriend, it would irritate me to no end when my older aunts would come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, asking me, "So, when's it your turn?"

I finally go them to stop by doing the same thing back to them... at funerals.

Greener Pastures?

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

Australian Lyrebird

eh, what's in a name?

Excuses, Excuses

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Kiss of Death

I'm guessing the announcer is saying "Yeccch!"

Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Edgar Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Edgar Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."