Examination

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Hunting Accident

Two Rednecks went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

Army of the Lord

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

The Leprechaun

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Honeymoon / Tenth Anniversary

Honeymoon - You take my breath away.
10th Anniversary - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Honeymoon - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
10th Anniversary - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Honeymoon - Ricky & Lucy.
10th Anniversary - Fred & Ethel.


Honeymoon - Saturday Night Live.
10th Anniversary - Monday Night Football.

Honeymoon - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
10th Anniversary - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done....

Honeymoon - Is that all you are eating?
10th Anniversary - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Honeymoon - Wheel of Fortune.
10th Anniversary - Jeopardy.

Honeymoon - It's like living a dream.
10th Anniversary - It's a nightmare.

Honeymoon - Turbocharged.
10th Anniversary - Needs a jump-start.

Honeymoon - We agree on everything!
10th Anniversary - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Honeymoon - Idol.
10th Anniversary - Idle.

Honeymoon - He's lost without me.
10th Anniversary - Why can't he ask for directions?

Honeymoon - When together, time stands still.
10th Anniversary - This relationship is going nowhere.

Honeymoon - Oysters.
10th Anniversary - Fishsticks.

Honeymoon - I can hardly believe we found each other.
10th Anniversary - How did I end up with someone like you?

Loading the Groceries

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got and itchy pussy...."

The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

Random Thoughts for a Wednesday

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?


If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Finally, advice for today. Remember, a truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Wedding Plans

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Seeking Advice

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Catholic Shampoo

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

The Newlyweds

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

A Riddle for You

Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's what is it?






A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

Positioning

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "But she is into the dog trick aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

Good Question

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"