How Rumors Start

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Two Blonde Jokes

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire. They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, big red truck?!"

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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

Bonus Tip

Always keep several Get Well cards on your mantle.
That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean the house!

Another one of those stupid lists...

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17. Procrastinate Now!
18. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
22. The original point and click tool was a Smith and Wesson.

The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom
assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new
bride to be. Tom proudly said,

"She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Postal Rates

I don't understand these complaints about the postal service.
Time was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail
it, and it would arrive at its destination in two days. Now
you put a forty-three-cent stamp on a letter and it can take
five to six weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!

Volunteers, please

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that a flight to Las Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.

About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

SBD?

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says, "I just did a silent
fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Wrong Message

When opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

The florist replied - "Congratulations on your new location."

Wrong Way Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said George, "It's hundreds of them!"

Tea Time

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

Redneck Tree Swing

Gives the term "Couch Potato" a whole new meaning...

The Farmers Daughters

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Daisy, my wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry... The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit both of us.




WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

Results

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

The Zen Master in NYC

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his terminally ill father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit $20,000,000."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card, and sure enough - three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Silly Rabbi, Tricks are for You

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

Irrefutable Evidence

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having sex with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

What A View!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Dy-No-Mite!

Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt.

Marie said, 'Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare.' Boudreaux
says, 'Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite.'

Next he took off his pants. Marie says, 'Boudreaux dat's nice
calves you have dare.' Boudreaux says,'Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of
dynamite.'

Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and
Marie screamed and ran out the door.

Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her, Boudreaux said 'Marie, Why you ran out like dat?'
Marie said, 'With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to
explode when I saw how short da fuse was.