Things Were Different When I Was Young...

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up, what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But...

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 30-something, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so damned easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia.

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't even know how good you've got it. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no e-mail! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen. And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in a mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself. Try sticking an LP album under your jacket, buddy. Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes, either.

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was -- it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent -- you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances.

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics, we had the Atari 2600. With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids, and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever. And you could never win the game, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died. Just like life.

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for a cartoon, you spoiled little bastards.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You wouldn't last five minutes back in 1987!