Old Luigi was getting on in years and had a son who had received an extended prison sentence. Luigi wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Poppa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Please don't try to dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day Luigi received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Simple Translation of Things Men Say
1. "I'm going fishing."
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
2. "It's a guy thing."
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
3. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?
4. "Uh huh, sure honey." or, "Yes, dear."
Translated: (Means absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.)
5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translated: I haven't the foggiest.
6. "I was listening to you. It's just ... I have lots of things on my mind."
Translated: Huh? I wasn't listening.
7. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
8. "That's interesting, dear."
Translated: Oh, are you still talking?
9. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translated: I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the license plate numbers of every car I've had. But I have no idea when your birthday is.
10. "I dunno ... I was just thinking about you, and when I saw these roses I just thought you'd like them."
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
11. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translated: I've severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
12. "I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Translated: ...and I sure hope I think of some soon.
13. "I can't find it."
Translated: It didn't fall into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
14. "What did I do this time?"
Translated: What did you catch me at?
15. "I heard you."
Translated: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find that out.
16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.
17. "You look terrific."
Translated: Oh God, please don't try on any more clothes!
18. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: No human will ever see us alive again.
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
2. "It's a guy thing."
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
3. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?
4. "Uh huh, sure honey." or, "Yes, dear."
Translated: (Means absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.)
5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translated: I haven't the foggiest.
6. "I was listening to you. It's just ... I have lots of things on my mind."
Translated: Huh? I wasn't listening.
7. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
8. "That's interesting, dear."
Translated: Oh, are you still talking?
9. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translated: I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the license plate numbers of every car I've had. But I have no idea when your birthday is.
10. "I dunno ... I was just thinking about you, and when I saw these roses I just thought you'd like them."
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
11. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translated: I've severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
12. "I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Translated: ...and I sure hope I think of some soon.
13. "I can't find it."
Translated: It didn't fall into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
14. "What did I do this time?"
Translated: What did you catch me at?
15. "I heard you."
Translated: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find that out.
16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.
17. "You look terrific."
Translated: Oh God, please don't try on any more clothes!
18. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: No human will ever see us alive again.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Bear Chase
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
Monday, March 26, 2007
The Lord's Prayer, According to the Lawyers
Our [U.S.] Father, whose predominant residence pattern is widely perceived as being in an exo-atmospheric environment, your name shall be treated, as a matter of course, in a reverential demeanor appropriate to existing protocol guidelines. It is to be hoped that, as an optimal result of the ongoing situational development, your form of governmental institution may be, in accordance with the appropriate procedures, finalized within the foreseeable future, in forms applicable to both bilateral and multilateral fora. It is therefore to be hoped that you will undertake the creation of the necessary administrative modalities so as to ensure the provision to recipient entities of requisite alimentary sustenance. Help our antagonists to recognize that any temporary, unvalidated and erroneous presumptions of instances of our apparent non-compliance with duly undertaken obligations arise from their refusal to objectively assess the broad parameters of our clearly-demonstrated-over-time, historic pattern of full commitment and, most importantly, have no bearing on our relationship while noting that their consistent unquestionable pattern of non-compliant behavior introduces substantial concern over the sustained viability of their willingness to observe so essential a set of international obligations. We call upon you to reduce the availability of opportunities for any perceived deviation on our part from proscribed norms, both substantive and normative, and reduce the willingness of our opponents to examine closely the facts of our position. For it is the [U.S.] father, who has complete jurisdiction, and all encompassing authority indefinitely. Provide us with appropriate modalities for coming, with all deliberate expeditiousness, to closure, unless otherwise agreed between the parties.
Friday, March 23, 2007
The Nudist
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
'Thank you for the picture. You need to change your hairstyle. It makes your
nose look too short.'
Love, Grandma
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
'Thank you for the picture. You need to change your hairstyle. It makes your
nose look too short.'
Love, Grandma
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Things Were Different When I Was Young...
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up, what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 30-something, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so damned easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia.
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't even know how good you've got it. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no e-mail! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen. And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in a mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself. Try sticking an LP album under your jacket, buddy. Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes, either.
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was -- it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent -- you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances.
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics, we had the Atari 2600. With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids, and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever. And you could never win the game, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died. Just like life.
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for a cartoon, you spoiled little bastards.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You wouldn't last five minutes back in 1987!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 30-something, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so damned easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia.
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't even know how good you've got it. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no e-mail! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen. And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in a mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself. Try sticking an LP album under your jacket, buddy. Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes, either.
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was -- it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent -- you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances.
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics, we had the Atari 2600. With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids, and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever. And you could never win the game, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died. Just like life.
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for a cartoon, you spoiled little bastards.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You wouldn't last five minutes back in 1987!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The Cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Stump the Computer
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
'Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
'Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Monday, March 19, 2007
Women in Leather
When a Woman Wears Leather Clothing,
A Man's Heart Beats Quicker,
His Throat Gets Dry,
He Goes Weak in the Knees,
and He Begins to Think Irrationally.
Ever Wonder Why?
Simple: Because it makes her smell like a new truck!
A Man's Heart Beats Quicker,
His Throat Gets Dry,
He Goes Weak in the Knees,
and He Begins to Think Irrationally.
Ever Wonder Why?
Simple: Because it makes her smell like a new truck!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Shooting the Bull
An American Indian walked into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Good Lord, What Next?
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went over to Eve and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?'" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went to Eve and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is 'make love?'" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went back to Eve.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went over to Eve and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?'" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went to Eve and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is 'make love?'" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam went back to Eve.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Welcome to Socialism
Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs -- what her dad dismissed as "redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that -- a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his, rather than benefit society.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. "You don't need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in this huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!" she lectured.
To her shock and amazement, all The Donald said in reply was "Welcome to socialism."
That's it? she thought to herself -- no argument? But before she could even think of a follow-up, he actually changed the subject! "How are you doing with your studies?" Trump asked her.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
The Donald was closing in now. He asked Ivanka, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
Ivanka, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The Donald slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to capitalism."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that -- a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his, rather than benefit society.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. "You don't need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in this huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!" she lectured.
To her shock and amazement, all The Donald said in reply was "Welcome to socialism."
That's it? she thought to herself -- no argument? But before she could even think of a follow-up, he actually changed the subject! "How are you doing with your studies?" Trump asked her.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
The Donald was closing in now. He asked Ivanka, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
Ivanka, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The Donald slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to capitalism."
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Communication Gap
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store so he could... ask for them in English, of course! What were you thinking?
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store so he could... ask for them in English, of course! What were you thinking?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Starting a Family
Dave was sitting on his usual stool in the corner bar when his old buddy John walked in.
"John!" Dave called out. "I thought you gave up coming to the bar so you and the wife could spend more time together and ...you know... work on having children?"
"That's why I'm here," John said, slidding into the next seat. "We were just fighting about it."
"Aw!" Dave said. "I thought you two were in total agreement that you both wanted kids!"
"That's what I thought too," John said as his favorite beer was set in front of him.
"Well, what happened?"
"Well," John said, taking a big gulp. "I found out we're not in total agreement -- she only wants me to have them with her."
"John!" Dave called out. "I thought you gave up coming to the bar so you and the wife could spend more time together and ...you know... work on having children?"
"That's why I'm here," John said, slidding into the next seat. "We were just fighting about it."
"Aw!" Dave said. "I thought you two were in total agreement that you both wanted kids!"
"That's what I thought too," John said as his favorite beer was set in front of him.
"Well, what happened?"
"Well," John said, taking a big gulp. "I found out we're not in total agreement -- she only wants me to have them with her."
Friday, March 09, 2007
The Assignment
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Heck if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Heck if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Thursday, March 08, 2007
The Poodle and the Leopard
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Birth Control Pills ..........
|
have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
'Pre-dick-a-mints!' |
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Tide - The Best Detergent!
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Your friend,
Martha
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Your friend,
Martha
Monday, March 05, 2007
Is President Clinton Available?
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
Friday, March 02, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Toe Curl
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.
"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.
"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
