Changes for Christmas 2007

To Whom it May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective next Christmas, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Enough with the Trick Photos!

More Trick Photos

Trick Photos

Christmas at the Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Yet More Seasonal Cartoons

More Seasonal Cartoons

Seasonal Cartoons

Eighteen Hours to Live

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live.

"That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

Ready for Kids? Here's a Test

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Healthcare Assembly Line

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where d'ya want 'em?"

Check Your Calendar

A businessman gets on an elevator. There’s already a blonde inside. She greets him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiles at her and replies, "S-H-I-T."

She looks puzzled and repeats more slowly, "T-G-I-F."

He again answers, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde is trying to keep it friendly, so she smiles her biggest smile, and says as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiles back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decides to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answers, "And ‘S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

Don't Call Me That Again!

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that anymore. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?

.....You can't kill two birds with one stone!

The Job Offer

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of UCLA what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

Actual Classified Ads

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

and...

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A New Suit for her Birthday

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to buy a sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 – the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

"Good Lord!" says the husband. "You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Giving Postage Its Due

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde woman says, "God help us! Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Dr. Seuss, the Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Who? Me?

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Marty, a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had
reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly,
he would win $1,000,000. And, as he suspected it would be, the
million-dollar question was no pushover. It was:

"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) The Condor
B) The Robin
C) The Cuckoo
D) The Wren

He was on the spot. He did not know the answer. All that
remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and he hoped against hope that
he would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that he
knew would be home happened to be his girlfriend, a blonde. But he had
no alternative -- he called her and gave her the question and the four
choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy! The
answer is C: The Cuckoo."

Marty had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one
that his friend had given. And, considering that his friend was a
blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other
hand, that he could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing his fingers and drawing in his breath, Marty said, "C:
The Cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer"

A minute later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely
correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, Marty hosted a party for his family and
friends including the blonde who had helped him win the million dollars.

He said, "Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you. Because of your
knowing the answer to the final question, I am now a millionaire. And
do you want to know something? It was the assurance with which you
answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By
the way , how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on" said the blonde, "Everybody knows that Cuckoos don't
build nests, they live in clocks!"