Blondes on a Bus

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Dogs Are Welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

The Firefighter

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Finding His Balls

Jerry loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Jerry bring along her uncle Fred.

Jerry said, "But Fred is 80 years old and half senile!"

His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."

Jerry finally agreed and took Fred along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Fred, "Do you see it?"

Fred nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"

Jerry excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"

"Hmmm. I forget."

Surgical Debate

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

"The third surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Relations

An elderly couple are sitting together watching television.

During one of THOSE commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied,

"You know, I don't know.
I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them last year!"

The Voice

There's a guy who lives in Illinois. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, "Make your way to the roulette tables."

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, "Put all your money on red 23."

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, "Damn."

It's All in the Eyes

A driver is weaving all over the road until a cop pulls him over.

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" inquired the cop.

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

Appropriate Reaction to Chicken Little

A teacher is reading "Chicken Little" to her first grade class. She reads, "So Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling...’"

The teacher stops and asks the class, "What do you think the farmer said?" One girl raises her hand and says, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING CHICKEN!!!"

The Diagnosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."

"What do I have to do?" she asked.

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Requests for the Landlord

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That's right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "You're Gay."

Get Well Soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Old Goats

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on Bus Tours."

Terrorist School Teacher Arrested

NEW YORK- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

Agriculture Degree from the University of Wisconsin

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from the University of Wisconsin, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from UW, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my hat and I'll go with you!"

The Sixth Sense

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no
myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives
almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more
connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's
these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from
seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.

Currency Exchange

I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the Currency Exchange window at the local bank. Short line -- just one guy in front of me.

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of Yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Can You Do It While Pregnant?

Rosie, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you something...."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to be embarrassed.I get asked that all the time."

"You do?!" Rosie asked.

"Sure," he says. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Rosie confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Overheard in the Oval Office

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?