They say that doing some walking can add 5 minutes to your life for every day you do it. This can enable you, at 85 years old, to spend an up to an additional eight months in a nursing home at $11,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 70. Now he's 77 and we don't have any idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, your friends can say, "Well he looks good, doesn't he?"
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ...just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
It's Not My Fault!
A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
What Can I Get You,Sir?
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."
Within seconds, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a mouthy bastard!"
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."
Within seconds, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a mouthy bastard!"
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