Insult of the Day

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

Ashes

Cindy makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Cindy excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Cindy returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Cindy informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Here I Sit, ...

Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."