The Bordello Raid

The police precinct captain had been ordered to raid the local bordello,
something which was an embarrassment to him and his men, for they
patronized it themselves on occasion and were friendly with the madam.

The captain therefore rang up the establishment and found that all the
girls, and the madam too, were off on a picnic and that the place was
closed. There was only the cleaning lady to answer the phone.

"Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because it won't be
safe to call again. Tell the madam that tomorrow we've got to stage a
surprise raid on the place. When we come, however, we'll honk the horn,
go round the block, honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn,
then go round the block a third time, and then we'll come dashing in.
But by that time, we want everyone safely out of the place. You
understand?"

The cleaning lady said she did, but of course she didn't, and the madam
never received the message. The next day it was business as usual at the
establishment.

The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their plan, arrived,
honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled, and then charged in.
As they dashed up the stairs with the captain at the head, they collided
with two nude girls who were hastening down the stairs with a mattress
between them.

The captain roared, "What the devil are you two girls doing?"

"Don't blame us," cried one of the girls indignantly. "Some jerk outside
is honking for curb service!"

Sharp Kid!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

! Harry: " 36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal & Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

When God Created Scotland...

In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".