Another Yardstick of Intelligence

Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again. See below...

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.

The Castaway

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions. They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday.

As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too" said the raft rider in a swishy way.

With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"

The Crash

A bus filled with Presidential candidates was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the candidates?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how them sumbitches lie."

What Do You Know About This?

Chuck had all the bad luck.

He had just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below.

To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

Line Service Monkey

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief,saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a Monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with himself, but his papers say he's a pilot."

Remember the Alamo

A kind hearted Texas lady was driving across a high bridge outside San Antonio one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father!"

"Mom and Dad are both dead," he said sadly, then turned back toward his doom. "I'm going to jump!"

"Wait!" she said. "Think of your wife and children!"

"My wife left me," he replied, "and I don't have any kids."

"Well, then," she said, grasping at straws, "think of the Alamo!"

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

"Well bless your heart," she said. "Just go ahead and jump, you #%$*&! Yankee!"

Geronimo!

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure: "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane.

He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that doggone truck won't be there either!"

Out of Gas

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline.

"I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot."

The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.

As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

Amazing Depths

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Three for Wednesday

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

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A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

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"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

The View from Up Top

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

A Blonde in the Snow

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her
dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for
a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of
the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that
her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking
lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

Physics Saves Lives

One day the Physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does Physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the morons out of medical school," replied the professor.

Gracious Acknowledgment

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

...Make Lemonade?

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "No, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

Harmless Delusion

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to
do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps
with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

Waiting

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they
trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ....
so we're just waiting."

Selling Insurance in the Military

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't
have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?"

A Little Tap

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look pal, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Costume party

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

The Unlucky Burglar

"Get this ... " said the guy to his buddies, "last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" on of his friends asked.

"He sure did - a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts..."


"...My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."