The English Language

I love the English language..... don't ewe?

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor were French fries in France, Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

The Biker and the Lord

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will bless you with one desire."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and
how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Drinker's Tech Support Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Go to men's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand more beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then scream that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

Standard Issue

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

I Need A Day Off!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work. I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Female Joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. Then he replied,"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

Wife's Night Out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the
internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to
have a monster hangover....

You wake up the next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which
she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....


But .... Wait a minute... .

The Pond Out Back

An old man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

Government Workers

One day a man noticed two members of the New Orleans city public works department hard at work. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other man filling it in again.

The onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

The Marriage Counselor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Bible Stories Retold By Students

The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are
genuine, authentic, and unretouched. Compiled by Richard Lederer, they
appear in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night.

"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the
axe of the apostles.

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned
in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in
the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua
told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

"When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St.
John, the Black smith, dumped water on his head."

"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, 'Man doth not live by sweat alone.'
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb
stone off the entrance."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was
by profession of a taximan."

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse."

How Would YOU Like to be Remembered?

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

20 Things to do in a Drive Through Lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Just as hot after all these years

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."


"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."


"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."


"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say - should we get naked?"


Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.


"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."


"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Bush - Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Push Play to hear W cover U2
As seen on Break.com

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yay God!.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

How to Know Where You Live

You live in Arizona when...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open your car without touching the door and you can drive your car without touching the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is actually comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature".
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.


You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day and Back again.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends, anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Ethical Question

This test only has one question but it is a very important one.

Please do not answer it without giving it some serious thought.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line.

Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful.


Ready? Begin . . .

You are in Florida . . in Miami to be exact . . .

There is trash all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you are
caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is
nearly hopeless.


You are trying to shoot career making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is showing all of its destructive fury.

You see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not
to be taken away with the debris. You move closer . . somehow the woman
looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is . . it's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her
under, forever.

You have two options: You can save her or you can take the most dramatic
photos of your life.


So, you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the
world's most powerful woman.

Here is the question and please give an honest answer:

Would you select color film or would you go with black and white?

Keep up with the herd!

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers............

Wal-Mart Application

This is supposedly an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least
one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House
Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

Bear Removal

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He
calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun
to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

He answers, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Contractors Rule

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One
from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says.
"I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400
for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300
for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over
to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Jerseyan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me
and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

Consider it Carefully

Two guys from Daniels County are sittin' in a boat at Fort Peck Montana fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and says,"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

These Cats Need a Good Home!

We here at Recycled Humor are desperately searching for an animal lover, trying to help out a friend find good homes for the last 3 of a litter of kittens.

She lives close to the San Onofre nuclear power plant. Please look and see
if any of these little guys touch your heart.

We really need to find a good home for them. Thanks so much for your help!

Those Blowhards in Congress

Now that there a limits to campaign contributions, lobbyists in Washington D.C. are becoming a little more brazen in seeking the favor of out elected officicals...

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying
for. -- Will Rogers

About time for another post on the differences between women and men

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.